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Batten every hatch you can find.

October 29, 2012, 3:06 pm
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INTERNET, SPECIFICALLY ITS EAST-COAST-OF-NORTH-AMERICAN CONSTITUENTS: I know we haven't been hanging out a lot lately but I have wildly fond feelings towards you still.

mailbox-sharing feelings, almost

I hear you have some Weather. Please stay safe. (In retrospect, that was perhaps a poor choice of gifs. Pull an Ellie and, so help me, internet, I will CRY YOU A RIVER.)
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The Wind Through the Keyhole - Stephen King

November 7, 2012, 6:00 am
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I re-read the Dark Tower series JUST SO I could read this book and have it make sense (my plot-retention capabilities are almost nil) but it turns out that I didn't have to, because all you need to know is that Roland.

And I am READING this (and presumably King is WRITING it) because the series is over and I'm not ready to let it go and I want more Jake, more Susannah, and obviously more Oy. And, ok, you get 31 pages of the original ka-tet, but much of that is spent re-establishing stuff that you already know if you've read the books (Blah blah Eddie makes a smart comment blah Susannah retorts but it's really her inner-alter-ego Detta Walker, you can tell by all the ghetto slang blah blah Oy blah), and stuff that you don't care about if you haven't. And then they hunker down and Roland spins a tale that lasts all night and holds them all in its spell and didn't we just do this in Book Four? I'm sure we did.

And it's about Young Roland, who I love (Wizard and Glass is maybe my favorite of the series) but it's told BY Roland, which is dumb. I don't want to be inside Young Roland's head, I want to be peering in at those blue bombardier's eyes and trying to figure out what's going on. And it's jarring, because Roland's reticence is so fundamentally a part of who he is, and W&G manages to retain that by sliding into third-person so that while you KNOW Roland is being uncharacteristically chatty, you don't FEEL it. In Keyhole he keeps being like 'me this' and 'I that' and 'let's talk about my feelings at this juncture' and you are like GO HOME, ROLAND, YOU ARE DRUNK.

Take off that hat, too.

And then on top of that, there's a difference between what you can say in what is essentially a monologue, and what you can say in narration, and SKing hasn't quite sussed it out. ESPECIALLY if you know who the speaker's audience is. You explain what a salute looks like when your audience is the mystical Reader, not when it's your pals who have SEEN YOU SALUTE.

ANY ro', so Roland tells them about the time he and Jamie DeCurry (not even Cuthbert or Alain! Fuck Jamie DeCurry) go off to deal with a skin-changer who is terrorizing (and also eating) a small village. And there's a boy who saw something and so Roland locks him up to keep him safe and tells him a tale to amuse him and this sort of nested tale-within-a-tale is koiiiind of my favorite (see: Cloud Atlas; The Orphan's Tales) but their connections to each other and to the grander Tower arc are tenuous at best.

And both stories are FINE, but there are two of them wedged into one smallish novel so they're both so SHORT and I don't need them to be 1005 pages *hem* but they aren't deep and delightful and they add nothing to the overall story arc. THEY DON'T EVEN INVOLVE THE SAME PLAYERS. The story Young Roland tells is about some kid whose dad gets eaten by dragons only he doesn't. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THIS SOME KID OR HIS DAD. Dragons I can get behind.

But it's very Stephen King, especially in the Treating As A Thing Something That has Never Before Been Referred To sense, like ok in this book, 'short' is shortened to 'shor' (as in 'shor'-legged woman') as though it were part of the local dialect but only in this one book and billy-bumblers are called 'throcken' sometimes (which is to say, they never are in any other books and ALWAYS are in this one). But, I mean, it isn't until Book Five that Roland picks up his habitual finger-twirling gesture that THEN BECOMES HABITUAL FOREVER. So, way to be consistent, Stephen.


In sum, I am contractually obligated to like anything connected to this series now, but this is superfluous and not even that good and NOT EVEN THAT MUCH CONNECTED TO THE SERIES.

Six caterpillars, I guess.
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Melusine - Sarah Monette

November 20, 2012, 5:00 am
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My feels about this book are vigorous. And roller-coasty. The prologue seemed kind of mouthy and droll and I am like, THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN, but the next bit got dark and I wasn't in it enough to care and I almost opted out but by the END,

I wouldn't use this gif all the time if it wasn't always SO APPROPRIATE.

So. It begins very SUDDENLY, which took a bit away from it because you don't even know where you ARE and then Things are happening and you are like, I think this is bad? And looking back later you are like, Oh yes, that was terrible. But at the time you are kind of like, Why is this dude calling Felix a whore, and Felix is just kind of like, That's right, everyone, I used to bone for dollars, and then everyone is like *shun* and suddenly some other dude is violently and unpleasantly sexxing him and I am like, Ok this part is clearly bad but I don't totally know how we got here.

So some guy calls Felix a whore and he is shunned from court and then violently sexxxxd by a past lover as part of a spell in which his magic is co-opted to break this Important Magical Object and I am like, Holy hell, book, why you so mean?


Meanwhile, way over here, Mildmay the Fox steals a bunch of jewels and meets a lovely girl and is cunning and theify and you know what? As far as I'm concerned, the entire first half of the book is backstory and could be dispensed with if it didn't seem to be such a necessary foundation for the second half.

BECAUSE THEN. Felix has been driven mad by the whole magic-rape thing and then he and Mildmay end up in the same company due to Reasons too complicated to get to, and THEN the two of them hie off to see if they can't get Felix un-madded. And the book is split between their POVs and being inside the head of someone who is mad is no picnic (unless it's a picnic attended by people with snake's heads and walking corpses and swirling colors and like such as), so the Felix parts are weird and dark but necessary because they throw the Mildmay parts into relief and then you have layers.

And Mildmay is this street rat who sounds like a mix between a 21st-century teen and a Victorian urchin and I know that sounds TERRIBLE but it's actually endearing and sharp and irreverent and his interactions with Felix are so WEIRDLY COMPASSIONATE and this, this is why The Left Hand of Darkness got me in the end, because I apparently have a Thing for two unlikely companions being forced on a Quest together and surmounting insurmountable odds, PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY DO NOT KISS AT THE END. I mean, there's one moment where Felix is kind of like *leery glance* and I am like, Did Monette forget that they're half-brothers? But maybe madness makes you slightly incesty, I don't know.

I'm doing a bad job of this. I think that at this stage of my life I'm a bit bored by Romantical Problems (Unless They Are 19th Century Ones Or On The BBC OR BOTH THOSE THINGS) and more interested in Friendships In The Face Of Tribulations.

Or mad hugs.

Don't let the Very Unpleasant Beginning put you off, because the latter half is...whatever a less Cleavery version of 'heartwarming' is. I sighed very deeply, I'm telling you.

Eight and a half caterpillars!

(Upon further research, it appears that this is a series. Are the rest any good? Also, can we talk about how bad that cover is? It is very bad. Those tattoos don't look Shopped so much as MS Painted.)
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Reviewlettes!

November 30, 2012, 5:00 am
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I have been re-reading A Song of Ice and Fire because I ran out of Agatha Christies to read on my nook while I nurse Eleanor and I need to read SOMETHING because nursing is serrrrrrr berrrrrrring and then I remembered that I bought that series when it was on sale because who wants to tote around 5000+ pages? This is what e-readers were MADE for. Anyway, ASoIaF is a hole out of which one cannot easily climb, and I have been reading it in all my spare moments. BUT I have so many reviews on my backlog (the one in my brain, which has notoriously bad retention). To that end, HERE'SABUNCHOFSTUFFIREAD.

The Sisters Brothers - Patrick DeWitt

I'd heard MAD GOOD things about this and also that it was like True Grit, which is an unfortunate comparison because I balls-out loved that movie. So, The Sisters Brothers was fine.

Right?

Silver Sparrow - Tayari Jones

This was probably also super good, I just wanted more scandal. I AM NEVER CONTENTED. Because this is about SECRET BIGAMISTS and their SECRET OTHER FAMILIES. Dana's father was married ten years before he met (and accidentally impregnated) her mother, and now he has two families but only one knows about the other. That's dramatic, right?

Not dramatic enough, apparently

I mean, it's careful and respectful and insightful and more about identity and definitions of legitimacy and I obviously just wanted Jodi Picoult to have written it so that there would be a Shocking! Twist! on every second page. Silver Sparrow is proper good, though.

Feeding Your Baby the Healthiest Foods - Louise Lambert-Lagacé

This is a DNF because EVEN THOUGH IT IS FROM 2000 (which is not, as far as I can remember, the 50s) it still says things like 'children of mothers who are discontented, nervous, and unhappy with their role of mother and homemaker have poorer diets and lack the full benefits of good nutrition' which is fear-mongery and blamey AND assumes that all mothers are also homemakers and DID I MENTION THE BLAMING?

Stop it, Baby Goose. You are not every parenting book ever, don't act like you are.

And the bits I read on breastfeeding were superficial at best, and the half-page on returning to pre-pregnancy weight suggested substituting 'oatmeal cookies with larger servings of brown rice' which...I don't think she understands how 'substituting' works. After all this idiocy, I'm not about to trust this woman on feeding my baby. In the end, we were just like, Well you're almost five months old now so here's a wedge of banana. Have at it.

Now back to my Ice and Fire and RAMPANT CHARACTER DEATH. GRRM and Connie Willis should hang out.
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Cleaning House: One Mom's 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement - Kay Wills Wyma

December 12, 2012, 5:00 am
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I don't think I'll ever get tired of people's 12-month Experiments to Do X. It appeals to my sense of order and my voyeurism.

Let's get this out of the way: Wyma is not my favorite. Usually what appeals to me about these sorts of experiment is the voice of the experimenter, and then the activity itself. I like A J Jacobs' chatty brain, and then ALSO trying to read the encyclopedia or become the healthiest person alive sounds like something I'd do.

[Edited to add: review completely jumps the shark here for a second and runs into Personal Peeve Territory, which is wild and dangerous and full of weevils.] But Wyma is One Of Those Ladies. You know the kind. Those 'Oh, I'm that annoying creative type that can never be regulated WHERE IS MY MIND' etc. Like having a scattered brain is cute. And this whole treating-vices-as-though-they-were-virtues is very Victorian, but not in the fun, literary mad-relatives way. More in the we should abolish this now way. I mean, it's no longer sexy for women to be swoony and air-headed, but OH MY HEAVENS I am so bad at organization, or being on time, or not buying shoes when I can't afford shoes. These aren't adorable quirks, these are character flaws, and I'm not saying I'm always organized and tidy (I'm not), or that I drown in guilt about my lack of organization or tidiness (I don't), I just...I recognize that it's not charming to be these things, and I don't treat them like, I don't know, a penchant for limes or the ability to play the ukelele. Develop actual hobbies and traits, people. Not being able to stay on top of laundry doesn't count.

Please watch this river for a bit; someone is busy cooling her jets.

Ok but I have at least one child and will probably have a couple more, and in college I had two roommates who didn't know not to use metal utensils on teflon pans and that you had to buy more toilet paper when you ran out of toilet paper and that STOP COOKING CHICKEN ON MY NICE BAKING SHEET AMANDA, and I am determined that my kids will not be those kids. Which is why this 'chores' thing is important to me.

So! One day KWW wakes up and is like, Holy shit, I have been doing for all my children and now they are all like, Get me a glass of water and do my laundry and you like making snacks so make me a snack, I am a helpless beast. So month by month, she increases their responsibilities around the house, starting with things like making their beds and moving on to Proper Cleaning of Bathrooms and Planning-Slash-Making of Meals and Running of Errands and her kids are like Ugh being civilized human being is so harrrrrrd and she is like


and eventually they start doing those things. Which, ok, the message of the book is great. Kids are capable of taking on way more responsibility than we give them, and if you do everything yourself, not only are you depriving your kids of a learning opportunity, but you are subtly communicating to them that they CAN'T do it. Plus, giving them real and useful work to do helps them feel accomplished and necessary, not like useless wastes of space.

And there are a number of good take-aways, like how you should make your kids get jobs out of the house because there's something very different about taking orders from and being accountable to Not Your Mom, so EVEN IF they work at a kids' camp and you have to give them a 'wage' from your own pocket (because KWW is clearly kind of moneyed) it is worth the lesson in responsibility.

So if you can read around the Ha ha oh ME, how you do run on, and the 'people sometimes tell me' (which form of self-flattery is the LOLiest because what people), and how rullllll religious it gets at about the halfway mark, and this one particularly sanctimonious episode where she and her kids help teach a crusty (IN BOTH SENSES OF THE WORD [too gross?]) old lady how to operate the laundromat machines, while making it super clear that this woman is a Boozer and Probably Homeless because that's what makes their help Worthwhile and Sacrificing, then...I forget my point. This is a book with words in it, anyway.

Six caterpillars!

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The Woman Who Died a Lot - Jasper Fforde

December 19, 2012, 5:00 am
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Ah hahaha, oh Past Me. You are such an ass sometimes.

So I remember reading The Eyre Affair and being like, Pfffft, and now I go back and read my review and that's pretty much the case. But then I read One Of Our Thursdays Is Missing kind of on a lark (second chances are not my forte, which I'm starting to realize is arrogant and dumb) and it was VERY EXCELLENT. I dunno, maybe Fforde has been studying his craft and improving as a writer. Maybe I need to hate less.

And horse more!
(Wait, what?)

To be fair, I didn't HATE The Eyre Affair, I just thought the jokes tried too hard. The jokes in The Girl Who Died A Lot are, by contrast, largely on point. Again, they are the literary sort, so if you've NEVER READ A BOOK IN YOUR LIFE this is probably not the place to start. But when they pull out a random ancient manuscript from a library stack and it ends up being Pliny the Really Very Young's account of being unable to see the eruption of Vesuvius due to being put to bed early for some bullshit excuse, I chortled excessively.

So. The Thursday Next books are based on the wacky premise that...something like the literary world is a place you can go and change things or something, *I* don't know. I think I read the books too far apart to keep the rules straight. What I love about them, though, is that (unlike Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, say) the execution is marvelous. I'm always getting my hopes up about things and then being like


but THIS IS ACTUALLY A PONY (metaphorically). It is out there but everything hangs together.Thursday Next keeps being replaced by replicas of herself and she doesn't notice until Landon asks her for the code word and she is like, '...damn' but then, weirdly, the replicas seem to be on her side. So they're always leaving Thursday: Original Sauce in a cozy cupboard with a sandwich nearby or something. So that's happening, but also THE WORLD IS ENDING because God is going to smite it, and then there's some weird time-travel stuff that I swear makes sense when Fforde explains it but drains out of my ears as soon as the page is turned.

And, delightfully, Thursday herself is getting on in years. Like, semi-retirement, bad hip and so forth. The Bonds of the world can age handsomely but any heroine past her mid-thirties is for the scrap heap, so to see Thursday wandering around all In Her Fifties And Still Useful To Society is refreshing.

The whole thing is full of lovely, Douglas-Adamsy nonsense. Find me another book that's wacky but not stupid, plz.

Eight caterpillars.

Requisite ass-covering: book received from publisher.
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Disgrace - J M Coetzee

December 21, 2012, 5:00 am
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I had to stop reading A Song of Ice and Fire for a second so I could cannonball this before book club, and three pages in I'm all, Nope, not enough dragons. And our book club reads have been unintentionally rapey (including that One Book In Particular where you spend half the book being like, Please do not rape that little girl, and then just when you think she's going to make it he goes ahead and rapes that little girl), so this book was pronounced 'not as rapey as some,' which (as Lord Peter Wimsey once said) is praising with faint damns.

ANYway, the main character had some icky opinions about women that sort of weren't redeemed in the end. But I think Coetzee thought he was trying? Like, the main character writes this opera about Theresa, Byron's lover, only it's not the mad and tempestuous love affair, but Theresa's sad, sad life after Byron is dead and all she has are his love letters, and I think he's supposed to be sympathizing with her in her middle dumpy age but it really just reads as Woman Without Man Is Sad.

And this won the BOOKER, which is starting to mean nothing and less to me, and the back is covered with LAUDS, but I am reading the lauds and they are all like, THIS IS THE MOST ORIGINAL BOOK EVER, signed, A Dude, and NOTHING THIS PASSIONATE AND RAW HAS BEEN SEEN BEFORE, signed, Some Other Dude, and I am like HOW DO THE WOMEN FEEL ABOUT THIS ONE?

We feel like, Nope.

Also, a bunch of dogs are killed. Like, a BUNCH.

Are you still reading this review? I said dogs were killed. Ok then. David is a professor in South Africa, twice-divorced, and one day he is like, Hullo, student of mine. *leer* So he sleeps with a student and she isn't really into it but she doesn't shout no, so it's not like legitimate rape or whatever (and later, she comes to crash at his house because she is having Personal Problems and he is like, Wait, I didn't want this, this is inconvenient for me. Let's go back to just casually fucking, and I am like


but, while that attitude of his kind of became The Point for me, I don't think it's the Intended Point of the Novel.)

So there's an inquest and all his pals on the board are like, Just say you're sorry and you can go back to work, and he's like, I'll admit I did it, but I won't admit to being sorry, and I THINK we're supposed to read this as some sort of Moral Stance Against Hypocrisy, whatever.

So they have to fire him and he goes and lives with his single lesbian daughter on her farm and she's isolated and vulnerable and white and there's some MORE rapings goes on (racial subtext that I can't even) and she goes from being his daughter to being Woman Raped and he just won't let it go even though she asks him to and then she turns up pregnant and that's the last straw and there is NO FEMALE CHARACTER in this book who is a character second and a thing in which to poke yourself (or to prevent other men from poking themselves) first. Like, his daughter has this friend who he thinks is weird and dowdy and who is MARRIED but he's still like


AND HE DOES. SO MANY TIMES.

I am sick to death of this shit. File this under Men Writing About Douches Like They Are Some Sort of Admirable Character Who Find Redemption In The End Only I Am Not Buying It, You Asshats. The writing is super-good, though. Like that fixes anything.

Three caterpillars.
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A day late and a dollar short

December 26, 2012, 2:54 pm
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But whatever, I know you aren't reading this until you come out of your holiday coma. And when I say 'reading this' I mean 'looking at this pictures because OMG THE WORDS ARE SO MUCH EFFORT.'


Eleanor doing what she does best (i.e. eating and looking pensive):


And still my favorite:


I love all your faces, guys. Your joyous, rumnog-smeared faces.
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I should probably water this blog a little bit.

January 8, 2013, 12:05 pm
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YOU GUYS. Hey. Hi. Sorry, hi. Hey.

Oh, hi.

I know. I know. Absence makes the heart go yonder. But my Tall Man worked five 24-hour shifts over Christmas and it was all I could do to keep the baby alive and fed (single parents, I don't even know. You guys are like superheroes), and then Joel had a week off and we did Festive Things but mostly watched the first two seasons of Game of Thrones and then spent quite a lot of time calling for people's heads on spikes.

Or for more Joffrey-slapping. SLAP HIS MINCING LITTLE FACE.

And I've read the books twice, which is great because I can explain who is related to what and who is living in exile because they've betrayed whom (usual fantasy-novel shit, you know) but it is AGONY because I can't be all like, HE IS GOING TO REGRET THAT SEEMINGLY INNOCUOUS DECISION LATER WHEN HE DIES.


Do you hear Arya Stark? Anyone.

Speaking of serieses in which a lot of people are killed, I'm joining the Harry Potter readalong: The One With All The Gifs and you can consider this my Statement of Intent post. I am going to spoiler the shit out of these books so look away if you don't want to know who dies (so far: nobody. Make with the death count, Book One). I read the books back in my first few years of college and not since so they're kind of hazy for me. Let the re-reading begin!


In completely more different news, I helped the Book Smugglers (paragons of book reviewing, those two) cap off Smugglivus, their annual Festival of Things. Head over there to get some help with your New Year's resolutions, and then check out my favorite Smugglivus tradition, the Airing of Grievances.

Scout's honor I will be back here soon. I'm feeling floppy and disorganized, but I MISS your FACES.

C'mere, you guise.
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Harry Potter Readalong 1.1

January 11, 2013, 5:00 am
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I am turrible at stopping books halfway through, and am therefore terrible at readalongs. But look at me! One hundred-odd pages in and misplacing my ereader! Thanks for the help, subconscious.

So. I'mma get this out of the way: I haven't read a lot of HP criticism (although I might START. I find the mixture of high-brow snoot and popularism in these sorts of things to be scandalously delicious), but I read a bit one time about the risk Dumbledore ran putting Harry with the Dursleys, and how there was, like, a one-in-ten chance he'd turn out Brave and Heroic and Humble and a nine-in-ten chance he'd become a murdery rager from the years of abuse.

It was a close call.

So THAT kind of tainted this first half for me because I couldn't stop thinking about what a dumb idea it was (and then getting all mad whenever Hagrid was like, You don't know who you are? and Bad luck you ending up with a couple of muggles, because I'm all like, NOT KNOWING WHO HE WAS WAS THE POINT AND ALSO NOT BAD LUCK OH MY GOD DUMBLEDORE DID IT ON PURPOSE AND THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF LUCK).



Moving on! I started reading these after maybe the fourth book came out, and all my early-20-somethings friends were like What rubbish so I gave it a go and when I came across Mr and Mrs Dursley, the former of whom had 'hardly any neck' but the latter who made up for it by having 'nearly twice the usual amount of neck,' I LAUGHED and LAUGHED. That description right there is why I always say that the books are so well-written (even though sometimes They Are Not). Ibid when Hagrid shows up with his feet 'like baby dolphins.' MS ROWLING CAN DESCRIBE A THING.

Moving on some more. Ok so Dumbledore puts all the street lights out with the 'Put-Outer,' and I just finished watching Game of Thrones with Joel, who scorns fantasy, and I'm all like, Melisandre is the Red Priestess of the god R'hllor and she's helping Stannis win his throne from Joffrey, but Daenarys might take it with the help of her dragons and her Dothraki horselords if she can cross the Narrow Sea, after saying a bunch of stuff like THAT it's a relief to be like, This is a Put-Outer and it puts out the lights. It eases you in before all the Expecto Patronum shit.

Bits That Have Given Me Feels:

Kind of nothing so far? Except the appearance of Neville because we know how that turns out.

Handsomely.

And then for whatever reason I teared up when Mrs Weasley shows up at the train station because that scene in the last movie


Yes, that one. I don't know, things about daughters make me gloopy.

TIME TO GO FIND MY EREADER.
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Harry Potter readalong 1.2

January 17, 2013, 8:30 pm
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The best thing about Harry-Potter-Posting-Friday is that then I can start reading the next installment. I am used to CANNONBALLING THINGS, you guys, and all this start-stop is probably good for my character.

The SECOND best thing about HPPF is reading the other run-downs. There were many a good gif last week, but easily (EASILY) the best was this one from As the Crowe Flies (and Reads!):


I just, I almost cried. And then walked around muttering 'Yer a lizard' to myself all day. You can do that when you stay at home with a small child, because that's also what they're doing, and neither of you is like, Cut that out and start making sense.

Also w/r/t last week, how did none of us mention that Neville's toad has a people name? That is comedic gold, straight to my heart. Trevor!

Ok so. Sometimes I am tearing along at a PACE and then I come across, like, the troll bogies left on Harry's wand after it goes up the troll's nose and I am like, Right, this book is written for 12-year-olds AND I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE.

Speaking of 12-year-olds! So, when they go to visit Hagrid to find out what else is guarding the philosopher's stone, and Hermione is all,  *warm, flattering voice* You know everything that goes on around here, you big smart man, and I am like what?

You are too young to be using those wiles, Miss Granger.

Ok and people have mentioned the trio not being BFFs at first and how weird that is, and I sort of blurred over into them already being friends and just kind of snarking at each other (like they do), but then Hermione's like, We should go to Dumbledore, and Harry's like, But we've got no proof, and I'm like, OH RIGHT, this is before they could just go to him with a Thing and he'd be like,


So that's weird.

Did I mention that this is only my second time reading the books? WHY IS MORE NOT MADE OF HOW HILARIOUS THE CENTAURS ARE? 'Always the innocent are the first victims. So it has been for ages past, so it is now.' And everyone is like


And the centaurs are like, 'Mars is bright tonight.' Poncy, cryptic assholes. They are a send-up of every centaur in literature ever and I love them.

Oh and hey, remember when Harry mysteriously gets the invisibility cloak and then immediately has to go a-spying, or Hagrid gives him a flute for Christmas and then later he needs to make music somehow to calm Fluffy? What I'm saying is, it's getting all RPG up in here.

Ok so here is my solitary beef with this book and, I guess, the entire driving force of the series (no big): Quirrell couldn't touch Harry and Voldemort couldn't kill baby-him because of his mother's love, right? Because 'to have been loved so deeply...will give us some protection forever.' Which, ok, nice work, JK, way to make every new wizard mother even MORE anxious, like, not only do I have to raise an upstanding citizen and keep it from dying of Wizard SIDS but I have to love it enough that, if its generation's Evilest Wizard comes to kill it, my loving love will SHIELD IT. That's some heavy burdens. So...that.

OTHER THINGS. Ok so Alice and I disagree on everything that is not Victorian literature Snape and his greatness/sex appeal, but he protected Harry so that he and James would be quits and he could 'go back to hating [James'] memory in peace.' That is a man I want to know. Full of the most scrupulous loathing.


Going back to last weeks discussion on Dumbles and his RISKY BUSINESS move leaving Harry with the Dursleys, when they're discussing whether D sent Harry the cloak hoping he'd go face up to V-mort (why are these names all so long) and Hermione is like, 'that's terrible - you could have been killed,' I'm like, Well that's pretty par for the Dumble-course. I sense that this is going to be a Thing for me.

To end on a less growly note, JK refers to Hagrid twice as being 'too big to be allowed' which, I guess it might be a saying, but LOL you are not permitted to exist, due to largeness! Oh and also, when Neville is awarded ten points and everyone bear-hugs him I am like


We may disagree on our Siriuses and Snapes, but Neville is the great unifier. Also, prrrrowrl.

HOLY ESS this recap was long. Moving on to WHICHEVER BOOK IS NEXT.

Me in about two seconds.
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The Heavy: A Mother, A Daughter, A Diet - Dara-Lynn Weiss

January 22, 2013, 5:00 am
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UGGHHHHHHH YOU GUYYYYYYYYYS. So hey, remember how I had a daughter that one time? And I was like, Awesome, this is going to be WAY easier than raising a boy? Because I AM a girl, so I know ABOUT girls, whereas boys...I mean, what even?


And so I was breastfeeding and as long as breastfeeding is easy for you, breastfeeding is easy. But now she eats like a people and I am like, Crap. Because I have to make decisions now, decisions that will affect her long-term health and body image and relationship with food and you guys it is all so terrifying.

The Heavy did not help. Because Dara-Lynn's food philosophy jives very neatly with MY food philosophy (things like 'made of real food' > 'low-fat but mostly chemicals') and she's more or less trim just as *I* am more or less trim, and yet, her daughter was fat. So Weiss put her on a diet. DID I MENTION THAT THE DAUGHTER WAS SEVEN? This is where the book makes you all like

Even my non-Harry-Potter posts are Harry Potter posts.

But, ok. A year prior, her daughter Bea had been diagnosed 'kind of fattish' so Dara-Lynn tried, you know, casually introducing more veggies and fewer treats and whatever, but then a year later Bea was pronounced 'really concerningly fat' (i.e. 'obese'). And so if half-hearted, subtle measures don't accomplish anything, do you wait until she's THIRTEEN and has a history of being The Fat Kid and is dealing with Puberty? Or do you put your SEVEN-YEAR-OLD on a diet and face the judgement and stern disapproval of family and friends (and the audience of Vogue for whom you, rather inadvisedly, wrote an article about same) and then write a book to explain why you did what you did?

This book made me gnashy to read. What made me the GNASHIEST, though, is that Weiss may not be right, but (as she points out like a thousand times [to her credit, I had forgotten each time until she pointed it out again]) I am in no place to say that she is wrong. And I kept feeling in my GUT how wrong she was. She'd be giving Bea 100-calorie snack-packs and I am like, THOSE ARE NOT FOOD, and then she'd be like, There is a difference between healthy eating and weight-loss eating, and Bea's medical imperative was to lose weight.

And then on top of that, she still wants Bea to have a childhood and a positive relationship with food, so they struggle with birthday parties and play dates and it is HEARTBREAKING and also maddening because all her friends are like, Oh, just let her have a second brownie, she's a KID. And in any scenario outside this book I would be like, DUDE YES LET ALL THE CHILDREN HAVE SECOND BROWNIES but now I'm all up in Weiss' head and involved in her daughter's struggle and you just want her to succeed and you are like, Be strong, Bea! Do not eat that brownie!

After all this waffling felt disturbingly gratifying to finally and firmly disagree with her about something. She's all like, Why would you exercise when that will just make you hungrier? To which I say, Yes, but then you get to EAT MORE THINGS. And her daughter constantly complains about being hungry, which is one of the hardest parts both for Weiss and for the reader, because how do you tell a hungry 7-year-old that she can't have more dinner? Especially in front of dinner guests? And I'm like, MOAR EXERCISE = MOAR EATING. Problem solved. (But again, how would I know?)

This book is giving me the sad-eats.

In a book about something this important and little-discussed (What To Do [Or NOT!] When Your Kid Is Fat), the writing is kind of beside the point. I will say that Weiss is a thesaurus-writer, all '[g]iant eyes with never-ending lashes blinking languidly onto tumescent cheeks,' but I stopped noticing after a while because I had so many OPINIONS.

I don't even know how to rate this, because I disagree with parts of it SO STRONGLY but UNDERSTAND HOW MY DISAGREEMENT MAY BE INCORRECT and I think it's important to open the discussion on Fat Kids And How To Deal, or we're all going to be in Weiss' shoes and I'd rather not.

Requisite ass-covering: book received from publisher.
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Other places I am.

January 23, 2013, 2:57 pm
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Hullo, Place Where I Talk About Books And How Much I Love Them. It is no secret that my other great love is food (esp. snackies), which is why I am CHUFFED to be a part of Food Riot. EDIBLES. Let's discuss them.

Yesss, dollop that whipped cream. DOLLOP IT.

Today we're talking about foods that make us squeedgy. I mean, I will eat a baby cow or a very fancy dessert, given the chance, but I will feel uncomfortable about it.

I will NOT eat this cake shaped like a baby, however. That is on my do-not-fly list.

Come over! Chat with us! Tell us about your food hang-ups.
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Harry Potter readalong 2.1

January 24, 2013, 9:15 pm
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Harry Potterlong! No, wait...

BEFORE WE BEGIN. Re last week's conversation about wizard-mother-love protecting their offspring, a lot of you were like, Voldemort probably didn't go around killing a lot of babies, and I am like, THIS IS THE EVILEST WIZARD OF EVER, so you know he was out Slaughtering some Innocents in his spare time. So I move that 'Voldemort probably didn't kill a lot of other babies' is specious reasoning because yes, he probably did. HOWEVER, Alice made the good point that Lily had the chance to escape and gave that up and THAT'S what saved Harry, so phew, load off my mind. Because Loving Your Baby Enough is nebulous and hard, but Putting Yourself In Harm's Way For Their Sake is specific and surprisingly easy.

Or saved from gory death. Or whatever.

Moving on. Ok, so the scene where Harry tells Dudley he's forgotten the magic word, and the whole family loses their shit, that scene is hilarious. Other than that, the first chapter of this book is so much UGH BACKSTORY. Which, ok, it's not like there are eleventy thousand characters or like Harry's history is super complicated, so to reiterate all the business about Voldemort &c feels unnecessary.


OH AND THEN DOBBY. How are we seriously in disagreement about Dobby?

Srsly, u guise.

Dobby = Jar Jar Binks, Jar Jar = the worst, therefore Dobby = the worst. Q.E.D. Let's talk about how Ginny almost forgets her diary DUN DUN DUNNNNN except it's a different diary later, never mind, only GINNY AND DIARIES DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

I don't know, what else. Lockhart? There's something satisfying about a character so unrelentingly smarmy. That's part of what appeals to adults about children's books, is that you get the odd character who is a Stock Character and you are like, Ah ha ha, yes, this guy.

But, like, in the best possible way.

Love to hate him. And then Colin! Love to love him! Man, so much of my notes on this section are just, Ugh, backstory. Ugh, Dobby. HA, Lockhart. Awwwww, Colin. I have not been in a thinky place. Oh! Except, I got really bothered when there were no girls on the Slytherin team, like, of course there wouldn't be, those misogynistic bastards. Only, I feel like that's lazy characterization. Like, oh yes, and he kicks puppies. But maybe it's super advanced to have 'no girls' = shitty business in what is basically a middle-grade book?

SPEAKING OF THIS BOOK'S AGE RANGE, the disembodied voice being all, 'Come...come to me...let me rip you...let me tear you...let me kill you...' I mean...


That's too scary, right? Or when Dobby has to IRON his HANDS? Bashing your forehead is one thing, but ironing your fingers is a lerrrrrrrtle bit dark. More Game of Thronesey than I remembered. OH MAN, YOU GUYS. I have been laughing at this comic for AGES and laughing alone. Please, someone, laugh with me.


AH hahahaha oh man. Oh crap, Dobby again. 'Dobby is used to death threats, sir. Dobby gets them five times a day at home.' Oh Dobby, you sad sack. I WILL PLAY MY SAD TROMBONE FOR YOU. (No I will not.)

I forget how far we were supposed to read. Is it past where Colin shows up petrified? And Dumbledore is like, Minerva found him on the stairs, and then LESS THAN A PAGE LATER Minerva is like, If Albus hadn't been on the way downstairs for hot chocolate, and I am like, GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT, YOU TWO. Also, lay off the sauce, whoever is editing this.


For the rest of us, MORE SAUCE.
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Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life - Barbara Kingsolver

January 29, 2013, 5:00 am
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BARBARA KINGSOLVER IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN'T DO.

I don't even know where to start with this one. We've spoken previously of my love for A Year of Doing X memoirs, and this is that at the TOP OF ITS GAME. Because the point of these books, if there is one, is that the author Learns Something, and that the reader, by extension and without having to sacrifice a year of their lives in hilarious pursuits, Learns Something as well.


Only this isn't just gimmicky times. Kingsolver and her family are on an honest, earnest, genuine endeavor and you can't help but HUG said endeavor. Ok so. They move to a farm, spend a few years gearing up (planting shit, scoping out locally-raised cattle, looking for a MILL TO GRIND THEIR WHEAT, standard operating procedure) and then spend a year eating only what they can grow themselves or buy from their neighbors. It is ambitious.

And there are interesting chewy bits (see below) but also A,V,M is a JOY to read. THE FIRST PAGE she's talking about how they're leaving home, and she's all, 'The desert that day looked like a nasty case of prickly heat caught in a long, naked wince' and 'The tall, dehydrated saguaros stood around all teetery and sucked-in like very prickly supermodels' and I am like BARBARA I LOVE YOUR BRAIN.
Almost as much as I love this lemur OMG LOOK AT HIM.

But she isn't just yammering, for all that she's so conversational. At one point, for reasons I won't get into, she's talking about the freedom of living in America 'without some drudge scolding: "You don't know where that's been!" And boy howdy, we do not.' And then she goes off about how we got to this place where our children don't know that vegetables grow in dirt or that milk comes from cows or that BEEF comes from cows and you are like, Get your shit together, Us.

Because Kingsolver has feels about local food, but she also has thinks about it, and numbery fact-bits, and part of my beef with The Heavy was that I read it just after I read this, and Weiss keeps being like, I'm not a scientist so anecdotal gut feeling etc, and I'm like, BK-solver isn't a scientist either but she is like, RESEARCH AND EVIDENCE AND REASONED ARGUMENT.


And it is compelling. I don't even want to touch it because I won't do it justice, about how commodity crops are bred for standardized appearance and hardiness of travel and not for taste, which is why we all hate our vegetables (and I read that very chapter and then went to the store and was like, OH LOOK, cherry tomatoes, and I got them home and they tasted like sad, droopy winter, and I was like, Barbara was right) and how modern turkeys can't even reproduce by themselves and I was like, Oh  my god we are halfway to Margaret Atwood and her ChickieNobs already.

I think what won me over the most is how gentle she is. She's talking about busy lives vs healthy eating and how, 'if fast food is the only way to get kids to their healthy fresh-air soccer practice on time, that's an interesting call.' If it had been me making that point I would have been like, DUMB MOVE, SOCCER MOMS. And then put in a gif of Honey Boo Boo pulling a face, or something. There's a reason BK is a Published Author and I am On The Internet.

Ha, just jokes. This is blog is HBB-free. Have a baby duck instead.

And through all this reasoned argumenting is her family, planting zucchini and canning tomatoes and raising chickens and it's bucolic and hilarious and hard and I just, I wanted to kiss the whole thing in the face.

This probably isn't a perfect book, but it's the perfect book for me. Nine caterpillars.
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HP Readalong 2.2

February 1, 2013, 5:00 am
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Oh man, you guys. Apparently Chamber of Secrets is ERRRRRBODY'S least-favorite HP. I am not savvy enough to have least-favorites, so let's just go with six. I hated Book Six. (I am joking, I have no idea what happens in Book Six. I just wanted to play along.) (Little-known fact: I refer to the pantry as the Chamber of Secrets because it is Eleanor's earnest and fervent desire to get in there without me. The things at hip-height or lower in there, I tell you.)

Hey, remember when Ginny was all cut up over Colin, and Fred and George tried to cheer her up by covering themselves in boils or fur and jumping out at her from behind statues?

Those two.

Ok and then everyone thinks that Harry is the Heir and we enter the obligatory Everybody Hates Harry portion of the book. Le sigh.

Oh and hey, convenient for plot purposes too bad Professor Sprout didn't keep any mature mandrake handy for unpetrifying people, in like a store room or something. But at least no one died. Hey, do you think JK didn't kill anyone off because she's trying to keep these early books light-ish, or because she hadn't yet figured out that she could? My theory is that she starts knocking off, like, the Cedric Diggorys of the world and then just gets drunk on her own power. I FEEL SIMILARLY ABOUT GEORGE R R MARTIN. All my HP posts are going to somehow refer to Game of Thrones.

Also, I would like to take umbrage (oh man, I was saving that pun for waaaaaay later) with the fact that no one posted this gif last week.



WE ALL DROPPED THAT BALL. Oh but my whole point with the Professor Sprout/mandrake thing was, 'The moment they start trying to move into each other's pots, we'll know they're fully mature.' HAHAHA, RIGHT?

Also, when Harry and Ron are talking about going into the Forbidden Forest (aka Detention Hall) and Harry is trying to buck them both up by being all, There are good things in there, too. The centaurs are all right, and the unicorns. And I am like, The unicorns are DEAD and the centaurs are HILARIOUSLY USELESS but nice try.

Ok but so they go into the Forest because the Harry's Life In Danger quota hadn't been met for this book yet, and spiders and Ron is like URGH and Ron is correct, and then one of the spiders starts speaking and I'm like, Thank goodness they speak human. Otherwise this book would get confusing mad quick.


Oh, and then when Harry and Ron are like, We were...uh...going to visit Hermione, and McGonnagall is like, But of course you must, and sheds a tear, and I am like OMG STOP CRYING IN THINGS MAGGIE SMITH YOU ARE GIVING ME THE SADS.

Her tears are like knives in my soul.

I have no graceful way to segue out of that. Um...'The sink, in fact, sank right out of sight' - NO ONE CAN RESIST A PUN. Hey, was I the only one going Woooooo when Harry grabs the lifeless Ginny and flips her over and is all, Don't be dead? Probably, since everyone seems to hate Ginny. Whatever, I was like...and then clutches her to him, etc etc etc. I'm starting to think that everything in these first two books is foreshadowing.

Harry seems to take a really long time to figure out that Tom Riddle is evil. Tom's all like, Gotcher wand! and The basilisk won't come until it is called DUN DUN DUN and I've waited a long time for this, Harry Potter (which is standard villain-speak. No hero EVER has admitted to waiting a long time for something [unless it's to get into a lady's pants, which is not what is happening here {probably}]) and Harry is like, There's something funny going on...

I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON BUT I AM BUSY BEING PETRIFIED SO THAT MY SMARTS AREN'T IN THE WAY OF THE PLOT.

QUESTION THO: When Riddle's going on about similarities between himself and Harry, he's all, Both half-bloods, orphans, etc and I'm like, IS HARRY A HALF-BLOOD DOES THAT MEAN ONE MUGGLE PARENT WEREN'T THEY BOTH WIZARDS HELP I HAVE A CONFUSE.

Oh, and here's McGonagall taking 'great, steadying gasps, clutching at her chest.' Girlfriend needs some pearls.

Best quote of the book (and the series so far [and forever, for all I know]): 'Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.' Wise words, Mr Weasley. I'll treasure them always.

I seriously have no idea what's going on here.
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I have hungry eyes.

February 2, 2013, 2:51 pm
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Happy Saturday, jokers! It is a beautiful four degrees in Calgary today (on Tuesday it was minus 25. CALGARY YOU IS SO WACKY) and tomorrow is Superbowl which means PUBS and BEERS and SNACKS and Joel having to explain to me what a safety is, like, ten times.

Football is like sock-hands, i.e. confusing.

Speaking of snacks, the Food Rioters are rounding up our best eats of January and I find myself weirdly compelled to make tomato sauce. I know, right? That's not even a thing that I really enjoy eating, but I cannot resist when the hive mind is like, Mmmmmmmmtomatosaucemmmmmmm. Also there is butter in it, so.

I know a bunch of you are doing a readathon tomorrow and others of you will be watching the game, but the real question is, what will you be eating? 

It won't be my finger because that snack is taken.
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HP Readalong 3.1

February 8, 2013, 10:04 am
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Happy Friday, Dumblers.

Tha's right.

So, book three. We are CRUISING. Harry is back at the Dursleys, like he is at the start of every book, and it's his birthday (ibid), and he's been hiding his homework and other magical hoohaws under a loose floorboard in his room, which is apparently the Hermione's Purse From That Later Book of floorboards, because a bunch of presents show up for him and he stuffs them under there, too. And Hagrid, I wouldn't be surprised.

The Dursleys continue to be The Worst, with Horrid Aunt Marge coming for a good old-fashioned brow-beat visit and Dudley 'eating his fourth slice of pie' (like that's a crime) and Harry doing some Accidental Magic and ending up on that wacky bus. Par for the course so far.

Also par for the course is Harry taking things the Wrong Level of Seriousness, too much in this case, when he's all like, I inflated Violet Beauregarde my Aunt Marge and broke a wizard law just like Sirius Black when he killed all those people and maybe I will be put into Azkaban, which blogger apparently recognizes as a word. The hell, blogger? You make weird life choices. Anyway, get over yourself, Harry.


Stan continues to refer to Harry as 'Neville' even after he finds out that he's actually HP, which I find adorable.

Harry goes to Diagonasfhflajsdhflalley to pick up his books, giving JK an opportunity for those peripheral throw-away jokes she does so well. Oh yes, and over here is a stack of books such as Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul. Oh JK, I can never resist a balls joke. Also, am I the only one who sniggers a bit when they talk about how long their wands are? I am? How embarrassing.


Ok so Sirius Black is on the prowl and Harry's life is in danger, etc etc, and Mr Weasley is all, 'You know what Harry and Ron are like, wandering off by themselves - they've even ended up in the Forbidden Forest!' And I am like, That was by Dumbledorian decree, alright? Or whoever assigned the detention, was it Filch? It was school-sanctioned, anyway. What I mean is, stop putting these kids in harm's way and then being like, You guys are such hellions.

Wait, hold up. Crabbe and Goyle have first names?


Enter the Dementors, who are actually Scary As Ess. I mean, that hand creeping out of the cloak looking 'like something dead that had decayed in water'? Well and terrifyingly done, JK.


Yadda yadda, Professor Trelawney who isn't my favorite except that Emma Thompson is so my feelings are conflicted, blah blah the Grim, Professor McGonnagall lecturing on Animagi (THE FORE IS SHADOWED) and then explaining that Trelawney is a nutter and that Harry will not be let off of his homework, though 'I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in.' CLASSIC DOWAGER COUNTESS MCGONAGALL.

Oh yeah and hey, remember Lupin? Who I had neutralish feelings about bordering on liking because sad things happen to him later? And who stuck up for Neville to Snape, thereby WINNING ALL OUR HEARTS FOREVER? (But then losing them a little bit when he was like, I assumed that if the Boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort, which is really JK's copyeditor's fault and by this book she is no upstart or sophomoric writer and should have the FINEST of copyeditors but all that to say, I forgive you, Lupin. Also, sorry about what happens to you later.)

Oh hey look, it's Quidditch again, and Cedric Diggory is captain of Hufflepuff and all the girls giggle and I am sort of annoyed. I mean, girls, amirite?

(Sidebar: Olivia Wilde OMG MUNN SRSLY BRAIN GET WITH IT is hilarious in Newsroom. Also, come on, JK, you're better than this.)

Snape calls Hermione an insufferable know-it-all and Ron stands up to him and I am like, r + h 4evah! Also, Snape is really getting stood-up-to in this book.

Back to the Quidditch. It is raining. Now it is THUNDEROUS and raining. Now it is THUNDEROUS AND FORKING WITH LIGHTNING and getting 'more and more dangerous' and Harry is like, Better get that Snitch, because Hogwarts cares not for danger. But then shaggy dog, Dementors, dead Lily screaming (that's one of those things that you read and you're like, Oh yes, dead Lily, but then you stop and think about having your dead mum screaming for mercy in your head and you are like, Holy shit), Harry falls like fifty feet and dies, series ends. HA, NO. Harry is made of magical titanium and phoenix tears.

Christmas time! Which means feasts! And presents! And Harry, Ron, and Hermione left at Hogwarts with a handful of teachers and 'a sullen-faced Slytherin' (of course). Trelawney and McGonagall are hilarious together, Harry gets a new broomstick, McGonagall confiscates it because it was probably sent by Sirius Black. DUN DUN DUN THE HALFWAY CUT-OFF POINT IS ALSO MAGICALLY A CLIFFHANGER.


See you guys next week.
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Happy Valentine's Day, lovers.

February 14, 2013, 8:31 am
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HP Readalong 3.2

February 15, 2013, 2:25 pm
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I have a lot of notes about this half. I sense a v. long post in the offing.

EVERY day. No excuses for not dumblin.

When we left off, everyone was unreasonably mad at Hermione for telling McGonagall about Harry's broom, even though Herm was RIGHT (it's just that everyone was WRONG about Sirius being villain-style, but for very legitimate reasons [those reasons to be explored later AT LENGTH]). And then Hagrid actually taught a good lesson involving some flaming lizards. Good work, Hags.

Harry and Lupin are becoming besties, and Harry thinks Sirius deserves the Dementor's kiss and Lupin is like, Are you sure, and Harry 'would have liked to have told Lupin about the conversation he'd overheard about Black [betraying his parents]...but it would have involved revealing that he'd gone to Hogsmeade without permission' UNLESS he was just like, I overheard some professors talking about Black while I was hiding illegally in the Three Broomsticks. Lie by omission, Harry, it isn't hard.

Record-scratch for a second. Is 'do his nut' as in 'Dumbledore'd do his nut' an expression in England? What does it mean?

Back to Harry and Lupin and the Dementors. Ok so Lupin has been teaching Harry to Patronus, and Harry starts carrying his wand around to Quidditch games, and here is my question: Is Harry the only one who can expel Dementors? I mean, it's not like they're going to apparate right next to him. Wouldn't they just float in at the entrance, and then everyone would be like, Oh shit, Dementors, and then one of the professors could be like, EXPECTO ETC and then Harry would be like, Oh dip, I am out of here, as I am only a student and not responsible for this rubbish. I understand teaching him in case he runs across them while on his own (outside the Whomping Willow, say) but surely in a crowd as large as a Quidditch match someone else could step up and be like,

This eensy turtle, for example.

A bunch of security trolls are hired to guard the Fat Lady, but mostly they stand around grunting and 'comparing the size of their clubs.' Oh JK you tawdry minx.

Sirius has been romping murderously through Hogwarts, flashing knives and slashing paintings, and Harry is like, good thing the one-eyed witch isn't boarded up or I'd never get to go to Hogsmeade again. I mean, I know my life is in danger and all but I want to go to Hogsmeaaaaaaaade. THIS IS WHY YOU ALMOST DIE ALL THE TIME, HARRY. No one's fault but yours (and a little bit Voldemorts. And kind of Dumbledore's, too).

Grumpy Cat does not approve of your reckless lifestyle.

Ron is a celebrity for having been almost murdered (this book, I tell you) and '[f]or the first time in his life, people were paying more attention to him than to Harry' except for the first twelve years when Harry was locked in a broom closet and Ron had a family that loved him. I mean, I get what she's after, but 'for the first time that year' or 'for the first time since their arrival at Hogwarts' would be LITERALLY correct and make the same point without me being like,


Awww, Neville is stuck outside the common room while the trolls 'leered unpleasantly at him.' Those trolls could see what the future held, and were like, You got a purty mouth, boy.

Harry and Ron go see Hagrid, who tell them how cut up Hermione is about their fight AND how she's been helping him with Buckbeak's defense even though she's homeworked almost to tears, and despite this, when she tries to say something to him Ron is all, 'Can you hear someone talking, Harry?' Ron, I love you, but you are being The Worst.

Harry goes to Hogsmeade (again) and Malfoy sees his floating head and Snape is like, 'What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter?...Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade.' THIS, you guys. This. Oh, and also this: 'But famous Harry Potter is a law until himself. Let the ordinary people worry about his safety! Famous Harry Potter goes where he wants to, with no thought for the consequences.' I know Snape is kind of being a dick here, but I can't be mad at him when he's picking up what I am putting down.

Oh look, Harry's blank parchment. Snape will solve it. 'Professor Severus Snape, master of this school, commands you to yield the information you conceal!' There's a little bit of Lockhart in all of us.

Oh look, Lupin! 'Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them - gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks.' TRUTH-TELLING EPISODE.


Yada yada, Hermione slaps Malfoy (I prefer the movie, where she punches him LIKE A BOSS) and then kicks open the trapdoor and storms out of Divination. She is full of high drama in this book.

Oh my god, another Quidditch match. 'Gryffindor in possession, no, Slytherin in possession - no! Gryffindor back in possession' - you are a terrible commentator, Lee Jordan. JK has clearly never watched a professional sporting event. This whole scene is worth it, though, for the image of Professor McG shaking her fist at Malfoy.

OH HEY LOOK IT'S SIRIUS BLACK. Ok so this is where the book gets exciting and also I get super annoyed. Sirius drags Ron underground and H&H follow, understandably assuming that Ron's going to get eaten, and Ron's all like, You'll have to kill us to get to Harry, and Sirius is like, 'There'll only be one murder here tonight' *murdery grin* and I am like, STOP BEING SO DELIBERATELY CRYPTIC AND MURDERY and then Sirius is choking Harry and I am like, It is almost impossible to misinterpret this situation.

And then Lupin shows up, and, being told that Pettigrew is still alive but hasn't shown himself, he somehow conjectures that Sirius switched Secret-Keeper status with Pettigrew, which obviously means that Lupin should be teaching Divination because there's no way the Logic Train could get you from Point A to Point D like that.

Blah blah Lupin is a werewolf and has not been Sirius' friend for 12 years but he is now and '[i]f you'll give me a chance, I'll explain' and I am like, Stop saying you'll explain and just fucking explain. This is taking unnecessarily long. Sirius and Remus are totally acting like movie villains in this scene, all, And monologuing about their plans or misdeeds or whatever and ignoring the kids' legitimately confused interruptions. I know it decreases narrative tension, but Lupin should be like, RON YOUR RAT IS AN ANIMAGUS AND A TRAITOR like, the instant he figures it out. Or turn Scabbers human NOW and be like, See?

It finally all comes out and Sirius is like NOW I MURDER HIM and Lupin is like, No wait, the children for some reason need to understand why we are killing the rat before we kill the rat, and Black is like, 'We can explain afterwards' and I am like, The dogman is right! I know that Pettigrew needs to escape for Later Pieces of Story to happen, and I get that this method = more suspense, but I kept being pulled out of the story because I was like, COME ON.

It is sort of literally terrible.

And then later when Harry is getting all het up and pointing a wand at Sirius' brain and Sirius is like, 'I as good as killed them,' and I am like, OMFG WHY WOULD YOU BE METAPHORICAL AT A TIME LIKE THIS. I can see why you'd think I literally killed your parents, Harry, on account of how I just literally said, I killed your parents.

And then when he's like, the night they died I went to check on Peter and he wasn't there so I went to James and Lily's and ERRYBUDDY DAID and I realized 'what I'd done' and this story makes no sense, because besides trading places with Peter he didn't really DO anything wrong, or even negligent! It's not like he found Peter absent, went for some hookers and blow, and then found out the next day what had happened. His level of guilt in this matter is boggling.

Also, when Sirius is like, 'I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for' I was like, I SAW THAT MOVIE.

They can't send you to Azkaban for the same crime twice.

Ok and another thing about this section is the anti-Snape bias. Like when Lupin is like, Snape hated James. 'Jealous, I think, of James's talent on the Quidditch pitch.' AMONG OTHER VERY REASONABLE REASONS. Or when Snape shows up and gets the upper hand like a BAMF and Lupin is like, 'Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back in Azkaban?' And then Harry is like, 'Just because they made a fool of you at school' and I am like, You all seem to forget that Sirius would have hilariously sent Snape down the tunnel to a werewolf. Pranks! All fun and games until someone is rent limb from limb.

Then it's a meme.

So, all that and then at the end Sirius is like, 'You are - truly your father's son, Harry' and I am like, this...is not a book where we learn anything good about James, so.

To end on a less screechy note, I love when Dumbledore is like, A day will come when you will be glad you saved Pettigrew's life and I know this because I have read The Lord of the Rings. And I love that Ron is all repulsed because he let a grown man disguised as a rat sleep in his bed.


Still hilarious.
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