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Harry Potter readalong 4:1

February 24, 2013, 7:57 pm
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[last Wednesday or so...]

I have eventful times pending so I'm scheduling this post. Blogger, don't eff this up. What's that? E-reader battery too low to power on even when plugged in? TECHNOLOGY HAS RUINED MY LIFE VERY GOOD INTENTIONS OF POSTING THIS BEFORE I LEFT TOWN FOR THE WEEKEND.

[some days later...]

Evening, chilluns. So, Goblet of Fire commences with a HOUSE FULL OF DEAD RIDDLES, each of whom has 'a look of terror upon his or her face.' Any other book would have a snarling rictus of fear or something, so thanks for sparing us that, JK, as well as starting this book off with a bang. You have been heeding our criticisms, clearly.


Yada yada, 'Harry had been a year old the night that Voldemort' - DAMN. We were doing so well. Ok so Harry has a dream about Voldemort and then his scar hurts and the LAST time his scar hurt, V-mort was imminent so he writes to his godfather but DOESN'T TELL HIM ABOUT THE DREAM WHICH IS ABOUT VOLDEMORT because 'he didn't want it to look as though he was too worried.' Harry...I just. I can't even with you.


The Dursleys are still terrible, Mr Weasley shows up to fetch Harry and the Dursledoos don't say good-bye to him and Mr Weasley is all, Hold up. *mild righteous indignation* And I teared up a bit at this point because my favorite thing about Harry is how awesome everyone becomes in his defense.

Oh hey, it's Bill Weasley and he's an 80s metalhead. Ponytail and a fang earring indeed. Now Mrs Weasley waves her wand and a 'creamy sauce' pours from the tip. LEAVING ASIDE ANY INNUENDOS because when you have wands, there will be wand-jokes, but can anyone just conjure up food? Like, is there no hunger in wizardryland? I'm asking.

I love the Weasleys, I could stay here all day. Nuts to the rest of the book. Percy's all like, That big event coming up, you know the one, Father. *significant glance at HRH* Oh Percy, you pompous, cryptic ass. You are basically a centaur without the horse-bits. And then at the World Cup and everyone's trying to dress up as Muggles? All kilts and ponchos and nightgowns and such? 'I like a healthy breeze round my privates.' Wait, wha? We don't even have to INFER any wand-jokes here.

No harm in a little inference.

I love you, JK Row, for that and for Bagman with his 'round face gleaming like a great excited Edam.' JK Rowling: bad at math, EXCELLENT at similes.

Blah blah Death Eaters blah Dark Mark, Mrs Weasley in tears because she shouted at the twins before they left.

And oh harrr, here's Ginny Weasley mending her book with Spellotape, a clever bit of wordery that's lost on us in North America where we don't call it sellotape. Also, the Weasley's poverty is played for LULZ until all of a sudden it's not, and Ron is like 'Why is everything I own rubbish?' and I am like, Awwwwwwww Ron!

Oh good, we are finally talking about the However Many It Ends Up BeingTri-Wizard Tournament. Dumbles is like, Blur blur blur death toll blur and Hermione is the ONLY ONE who is like, Urp? So sensible, that one. Harry is obviously more interested in the tournament than in 'deaths that had happened hundreds of years ago' IN A TOURNAMENT YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE IN. That's like being like, Oh, these poisoned berries haven't poisoned anyone in years, maybe I should eat some. Typical Harry.

NOW, PHEW, I am back on track. Can't wait til next week when the other schools show up and JKR gets suuuuper xenophobic.
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How To Be a Woman - Caitlin Moran

February 28, 2013, 9:44 am
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The first large chunk of this book is about sex. Not, like, has sex in it, but is loudly and cheerfully and without delicacy about sex and sexual awakenings and vaginas and so forth. I say this because about fifty pages in, I was all, Ok so this is a book I wouldn't recommend to my mother-in-law (for example). I mean, it was also about feminism and inequality and the injustice of it all, but it was mostly Moran's feelings about her lady-garden and the pruning thereof.

But also? It is HILARIOUS. I was literally weeping with laughter. I've dog-eared this one page and I can't remember if the bit I found noteworthy was the bit about how the bra is the rudest undergarment in a woman's arsenal (which you can test by tossing one at a nine-year-old boy, who 'will run, screaming, away from  you - he cannot handle the rudeness of bras') or the bit about how making us feel bad about our breasts is the patriarchy's hobby. Because now, looking back, I am laughing at BOTH those things.

Queen V adores the rudeness of bras.

Ok so. Moran's lady-manifesto moves chapter by chapter through her childhood and adolescence, with each chapter ('I start bleeding!' 'I need a bra!' 'I fall in love!') operating as a launching pad (ha! Pads.) for both anecdote and polemic. Because being a woman is still sort of horrible in a lot of ways. And I once read a book called Confessions of a Slacker Wife that sort of made that point but mostly in frustrating half-jokes that brought me nowhere. I already KNOW I'm doing all of the laundry, thanks. And at one point, Moran suggests that the best tactic is to point at the patriarchy and laugh, like it was some idiotic phase we were all going through, and that as long as we could be like, Isn't THIS stupid, and keep kicking against the goads while keeping our sense of humor, eventually gravity would take its course (she probably made some joke about boobs here, too). 

Because she isn't just like, Ugh, inequality, right? UNEQUAL DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD CHORES, AM I RIGHT, LADIES? She's like, Here are some helpful ways of thinking about this, and here is a civil and useful reaction when some sexism is happening to you, and here is a balls joke.

So that's good. I appreciate sage advice, especially when doled out with balls jokes. And I get that humor is a piebald horse, and there’s this bit on breastfeeding that has me HOWLING with laughter, and as I’m reading it (and howling) I’m thinking, There’s going to be a whole host of people for whom this is not funny in the least. Be they men, or women who have never breastfed, or women who HAVE but for whom breastfeeding is a sacred trust and a wondrous superpower and not breathtakingly absurd (I mean, it’s those first two things, for sure, but it’s also definitely that last thing). And I'm not saying that if you're a man or if you don't have kids, you won't laugh. It's just, if your funny bone is located elsewhere from MY funny bone, you might not enjoy these frolics.

Mrs Patmore would not.

A sampling, then. She's talking about how eating disorders are still the Secret Sin of the Sisterhood, and asking why women will 'happily boast-moan about spending too much ("....and then the bank manager took my credit card and CUT IT IN HALF WITH A SWORD!"), drinking too much ("...and then I took my shoe off and THREW IT OVER THE BUS STOP!"), and working too hard ("...so tired I fell asleep on the control panel, and when I woke up, I realized I'd PRESSED THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH BUTTON AGAIN!") but never, ever about eating too much?' You will have to read the book to find out.

I have often said that I can only take people's arguments seriously if they are also making me laugh, and while that's not TOTALLY true, it's close enough to true for government work. Moran is wise and comforting and helpful for those times when you are just like, DAMMIT WORLD STOP PRESSURING ME ABOUT MY SHOE CHOICES. I dug this book with a shovel.

Eight and a half caterpillars!
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Harry Potter readalong 4:2

February 28, 2013, 9:02 pm
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I'm going to stop chastising Harry for being such a martyr as soon as I get this out of my system: 'If Sirius came back and got caught, it would be his, Harry's, fault. Why hadn't he kept his mouth shut? A few seconds' pain [WHICH IS ACTUALLY A USEFUL HINT THAT VOLDEMORT IS NEARBY AND SHIT-DISTURBING] and he'd had to blab.'


Now, let the Othering begin. The Hogwarts students are all blah blah gossip blah tournament blah 'how the students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang differed from themselves.' Which, ok, maybe they've never seen a foreigner non-Brit before.

Then D-dore is all, I hope you'll all be comfortable, and one of the Beauxbatons gives 'what was unmistakably a derisive laugh.' Those bitches. They're basically the Slytherin of Other Schools That Are Not Hogwarts. Ok and THEN Karkaroff offers Krum some wine and some other kid is like, I'll have some, and K-k-ff is all, I wasn't offering it to you, because he is a sycophantic lout and a d-hole. Obviously.

And then LATER, Mr Ollivander is checking out the wands and he's like, 'I've never used Veela hair myself, of course. I find it makes for rather temperamental wands.' And then re: Krum's wand, he's like, 'the styling is never quite what I...' Quite what you WHAT? Why not just burst into God Save the Queen and spare us your drivel? J-Ro is starting to sound very USA! USA! USA! about Hogwarts in this book, and I can't tell if I'm making a mountain here but it makes me a little squeegy.


Ok and I think JK loses the split between narration and dialogue when Madame Maxime looks 'as though she doubted whether any Care of Magical Creatures teacher at Hogwarts could be up to the job [of caring for her horses]' and then Dumbledore is like, 'I assure you that Hagrid will be well up to the job.' Either that, or she's making a little joke, OR Dumbles can read JK's mind.

Where 'dumblin' is code for 'clairvoyen'

Maybe my favorite bit was when the great hall 'seemed much more crowded than usual, even though there were barely twenty additional students there' and I am like, THAT IS BECAUSE JK IS BAD AT MATH AND DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY 'TWENTY ADDITIONAL STUDENTS' IS. Then I had a long, quiet laugh with myself over what is not actually a funny line.

More questions for my British friends: When Hermione is all, S.P.E.W. etc! and Ron is all, 'What's she like?'...is that a thing you say and WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Because we say 'How's it going' when we don't actually mean How's it going, we mean Hello, and you say, You alright? to mean the same thing. This appears to be a rhetorical question meaning something else entirely but I am in the dark. I refuse to ask google because that way madness lies.

Plot-wise, if I were reading this now for the first time, when Dumbley pulls Harry's name out of the Goblet I would have been like, Of fucking course. And then obviously Harry needs to pull a 180 from being like, Gor, that would be smashing! to being like, My humble self never wanted all this attention.

I have fond reminiscences of this show because I forget that I literally hated every character.

And then Fleur is all, 'zis is a chance many would die for!' and I am all, Dun dun DUNNNNNNN. (Ok but then later when Malfoy is all, 'half the Triwizard champions have died'...he's joking, right? Because that seems like a lot.)

And THEN everyone turns on Harry because that hasn't happened in this novel yet, and Harry is like


and then he and Ron have detention in Snape's dungeon (what, not the Forbidden Forest? Or I hear the Chamber of Secrets is free) and then Harry finds out that the first quest is DRAGONS and there are, like, eight fully trained adult wizards to each dragon and I am like there you are, unnecessary danger. I had been looking for you.

And here's a thing: people are always going on about how Harry's the underdog. Bagman literally says, 'you're the underdog here.' I mean, I know he's young, but he is also being rooted for by everyone always. Bagman says that bit WHILE he's offering Harry assistance (which, dollars to donuts, he hasn't offered the other contestants). Hagrid shows him what the first challenge is, Sirius is all ready to TELL him exactly how to win, and Moody is all like, Keep it simple to get what you need. *WINK* I mean, you're hardly the underdog when you're getting legs up from all and sundry. RIGHT?

En fin, whyyyyyyy is no one just like, Accio egg?

Voldemort doesn't even know, you guys.
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Harry Potter readalong 4:3

March 8, 2013, 4:00 am
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Hey, remember Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday Party, with the ghost orchestra, all of whom played the musical saw? ME EITHER, but it is such a hilarious detail, which is why I'm glad JK brought it up again in this book. If I'd made a joke that great, I'd be repeating it all the time.


Ok so a lot of you have been like, This is the first HP book that I had to WAIT for, so do you think that by this point in J-Ro's FAME her editor was scared to say stuff to her, and that's why this book is kind of draggy in sections and then also Harry will think things like, 'Really [some stage direction here] they were all right, really, dragons.'? REALLY WERE THEY REALLY ALRIGHT, HARRY?

Also, can we all agree that 'Bang-Ended Scoots' is WAAAAAY funnier than 'Blast-Ended Skrewts'?

We can.

Ok so where are we, plot-wise. AH YES, the Yule Ball. Why are there not more balls jokes in this section? Oh well, at least we have Dame Maggie Smith disapproving of everyone letting their hair down.


So Harry and Ron are trying to find theyselves some bitches. And bitches be everywhere! All 'giggling and whispering in the corridors,...shrieking with laughter as boys passed them,...excitedly comparing notes on what they were going to wear on Christmas night.' Bitches, amirite? All gossip and boys and clothes. COME ON, JK.

Ok but can we agree that the descriptive holiday bits are often WAY better than the plotty bits? Like the suits of armor that sing Christmas carols, but only know, like, half the words, and then Peeves hides in them and 'fill[s] in the gaps in the songs with lyrics of his own invention, all of which were very rude'? I mean, that's amazing.

Back to Harry and Ron. Ron finally ballses up enough to ask Hermione, but she's going with someone else and is all, 'Just because it's taken you three years to notice, Ron, doesn't mean no one else has spotted I'm a girl!' And I'm all like,


And then Malfoy is all mock-shocked that someone asked her, and then she's like, Oh hey, Professor Moody! And then M-foy freaks out and she's like, 'Twitchy little ferret, aren't you Malfoy?' and I am like, HERMIONE YOU ARE SO FEISTY LATELY. The club cannot even handle this girl right now.

And then they get to the ball and Ron's all, Where's Hermione? Where's Hermione? Was this whole section just all about R&H or is that the only thing I made notes on?

My priorities are just fine, Absurdly Young Ronald.

Oh and hey, if JK had had Hermione teach some hapless Bulgarian to pronounce her name properly in the FIRST book, there wouldn't be an entire generation of people who ALSO call her 'Hermy-own' whenever they aren't thinking straight.

Remember last week when Alice was like, The boys from Beauxbatons don't get much airtime, and I was like, IT IS AN ALL-GIRLS SCHOOL (that part may have been in my mind) but Parvati is all dancing with them and rendez-vousing in Hogsmeade so they do exist.

Let's talk about Rita Skeeter for a second. A lot of you hate her. I like her in THEORY, I think she could be a better character in FACT. Because she'll say things like, 'Disgraced Ex-Head of Magical Sports, Ludo Bagman...snappy start to a sentence' and I am like, NOPE. That is an adjective and then a noun. You need to work harder at your snappy starts. But REMEMBER WHEN HARRY CALLS HER A COW and then is like, Yikes, I am talking to the Headmaster, and Dumbles is like, 'I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you just said, Harry.'

Excuse me while I dumble.

Oh, and D-dore's brother Aberforth 'was prosecuted for practicing inappropriate charms on a goat.' Wait, what? Is this what lonely wizards do in the country when there aren't any girls around?

Hey, there's still a Tournament going on! Hagrid: 'Yeh know what I'd love, Harry? I'd love yeh ter win, I really would.' First of all, no pressure. And secondly, THIS IS NOT NEWS.


Ok so Harry has this egg and he goes to the bath where, previously, Cedric had gone and mused on the question for '[a]ges and ages...nearly all the bubbles had gone.' DRRRRTY MYRRRRTLE.

Merpeople, bffs trapped underwater, Dobby and Gillyweed and Harry wades in to the lake and his 'sodden robes weighed him down' and seriously? Take them shit off, that is like trying to swim wrapped in a bed sheet. Harry gets there first (of course) but he's afraid to leave in case Krum etc don't make it so he hangs around HEROICALLY (of course) and then saves Ron AND the Little Le Fleur and as he approaches the surface, his Gillyweed gives out and 'water was flooding through his mouth into his lungs' and that is TECHNICALLY drowning but this was actually a really exciting challenge, so I'll let it slide.

On to the last section, which is where (if I remember) I start having some Serious Feels.


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Harry Potter readalong 4:4

March 15, 2013, 4:00 am
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So Cedric dies. I mean, right? It isn't even like, *danger danger danger DEATH* because they're all, Hey look, the TriWizard cup, we both win, huzzah! The fuck, this is a port key, hey, look at that ugly baby *CEDRIC IMMEDIATELY DEAD* It's just so abrupt and I love it so hard for that. Way to punch us in our unsuspecting faces, JK (in the best way possible).

Ok but so back to the beginning of this section when they're practicing Stunning spells, and Ron's all black and blue from falling a-stunned and this is one of those moments when I'm like,


because can you not stun someone while they're already lying down? I assume the principles are the same.

Continuing with Things I Have Confuseds About, is Dumbledore off-limits to students except those he gives his password to? Because that seems sort of restrictive. I mean, he doesn't have a doorbell at the gargoyle so you can buzz up and be like, I'm having scar-mares again, sir. I feel like there should be a way for students to access him besides just shouting words at the gargoyle and hoping for the best.

OH  MY GOD ALL MY NOTES ARE CRITICAL. But seriously, 'He preferred to fight rather than coming quietly.' Make your verbs agree, JK (or JK's editor. I know she's famous by now but you need to be a sister and tell a gal when she's got her skirt tucked into her panties. Linguistically speaking).

Oh no wait, here we go. Remember last section when Harry called RSkeet a cow and Dumbles was all *whistles innocently*? And then now this time Harry falls asleep in Divination and D-dore is like, 'Quite understandable.' ALBUS! I am loving your face all the time. I take umbrage whenever JK uses the adjective 'twinkling' for anything that's NOT him. (Except for when Un-Moody is discovered and '[t]here was cold fury in every line of the ancient face; a sense of power radiated from Dumbledore as though he was giving off burning heat.')

Like a BAMF.

Oh and hey, oh man. I sort of thought Neville's parents were dead because I'd forgotten that they are insane on account of all the torture and that is way, way worse.

I am so depressed now. Let's cheer ourselves up with how Mrs Weasley and Bill surprised Harry before the third task. Awwwwwww, you guys. And then the Fat Lady's friend winks at Bill! SO SCANDALOUS. Bill, you rogue.

Alright, TriWizard maze time. Everybody's mazing, Fleur screams, Harry is like, That sucks but also that's one person down, and it is REFRESHING to see him acting like a human being and not a perfect angel baby, Krum is Stupified and then SPEAKING of babies, when Voldemort shows up looking like some half-baked creepy baby? Babymort! I can't take you seriously.

I definitely did.

Ok and here we get into serious witchy voodoo, all bone of the father and eye of newt and double double toil &c. So much of this series is only incidentally about magic so I love when it flaunts its old-school cauldrons and shit. (Also, Wormtail cuts off his HAND and that is AWFUL.)

So after the exciting! maze! and Cedric's astonishing! death! and Voldemort's creepy! return! the Death Eaters show up and it is non-stop monologuizing from here on in.

Bellatrix would never bore us in this manner.

And I love me some good exposition and I don't even mind that the Death Eaters are all, Tell us of your plan, oh Noseless One, but there's that and then Pseudo-Moody goes on at length about HIS part in the plan, and then he is re-Crouchified and given the truth serum and has yet more things to say and part of my brain is like


but another part is like

Let's get back to cutting off hands and stuff.

Crouch off to the Dementors for 'accidental' kissy times, Sirius and Severus have to make besties, Harry is safe-ish, the end. Oh and ok, when Dumbles is like, 'Severus...you know what I must ask you to do.' And Snape is all 'slightly paler than usual, and his cold, black eyes glittered strangely.' IS DUMBLE-D ASKING WHAT I THINK HE IS ASKING? Because for me, that moment where Snape does That Thing That Dumbledore Asks Him To Do has the most feels. Let's talk about that later, because now the Great Character Massacre has begun, and we are all going to need some baby alligator lovin'.


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Harry Potter readalong 5:1 - this post got sloth-heavy pretty quickly

March 22, 2013, 4:00 am
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New book time = Dursley time and I sort like it because JK has started trusting readers to not jump into a series mid-stream and stopped backstorying so much. Plus it creates space for zingers like this:

'Listening to the news! Again?'

'Well, it changes every day, you see.'

So Harry and Diddykins are attacked by Dementors and Harry fights them off and Mrs Figg shows up and she's a SQUIB and that is such a good moment. But Petunia ruins it by being like, 'Was it - was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use - his thing?' and suddenly we're in an after-school special. Just shout no, ickle Diddlekins.

And we find out that Harry's been getting cryptic letters from everyone except Dumbles, from whom he is hearing NOTHING, and I forget why this is but it had better be damn good. Harry's rage spiral is childish and boring but it is UNDERSTANDABLE. Also, predictable. I mean, we know he's a little unstable.

But then he sends out letters all, 'I want to know what's going on and when I'm going to get out of here.' And I'm like, FUCK YEAH, this is the straight-talking, getting-things-done Harry that I'm actually super fond of. (We all know Harry's not my favorite character in these books. BUT HE HAS HIS MOMENTS.)

Then a cadre of wizards show up and Mad-Eye is just as hilariously mad as Barty Crouch made him out to be. 'Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!' That is gold, Moody. Gold.

So they all go a-soaring through the night, and SOME WHILE LATER Harry is wishing he'd thought to put on a coat, and I know this is small danger potatoes (especially given the type of harm's way he's USUALLY put in) but could no one have been like, We'll be flying through fog for an hour or so, best bundle up? I'm asking.


FINALLY we're at the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black and Harry has friends again so someone finally tells him about the stuff about him in the Prophet which is based off stuff Rita Skeeter had written but is no longer writing because 'she's kept her promise - not that she's got any choice.' WHY IS THAT, Hermione? Is it because she's STILL A BEETLE? I wouldn't put it past you, Granger. You'se feisty.

Aside: the blank picture in Harry's room, 'now breathing very slowly and deeply, as though its invisible occupant was asleep,' is an extremely creepy counterpoint to the fun Fat Lady and that bumbling knight, you know the one. Living pictures: sometimes not a total larf.

Another aside: I love how much background ass Ginny kicks in this book. She's just an extremely well-rounded, tough, quick-thinking minor character (FOR NOW), slamming sinister music boxes shut so that no one gets voodoo'd and being unafraid to sit next to Loony Lovegood. FY Ginny.


ONE MORE ASIDE: Sirius caught Kreacher 'snogging a pair of [his] father's old trousers.' Is my British wrong or does 'snogging' mean 'making out'? Because I am LAUGHING REALLY HARD at this and I don't want to be laughing at a non-joke (that's incorrect. I do. I will still laugh at Kreacher making out with a pair of slacks even if snogging has another, much more innocuous, meaning).

Harry has to go to trial for defending himself against the Dementors, JK demonstrates her infallible eye for a hilarious detail with the inter-departmental memos ('We used to use owls, but the mess was unbelievable'), the trial scene is actually super tense and Dumbles continues to be kind of a dick. I forget why this is. SOMEONE SPOILER ME IN THE COMMENTS so I'm not passively hating on him the whole book (like Harry does).

Oh dip, remember when Mrs Weasley goes to fight the Boggart and it turns into her dead children? And she's all, 'it'll b-b-be a miracle if we all come through this'? YOU ARE NOT WRONG. Jeepers, guys, I'm sad already.

This is can't-hug-every-sloth level of sad.

All aboard to Hogwarts (my mom hates all the parts of the Harry Potter movies when they aren't at Hogwarts, which is why she sort of hates the second-last movie. TOO MUCH TIME SPENT MOPING IN TENTS, not enough feasts), Hermione and Ron are prefects (how have I not mentioned this yet?) so Harry has no one to sit with except Ginny and Neville and Luna and ALL ABOARD THESE SHIPS, you guys. You could cut the future sexual tension in this compartment with a KNIFE.

More English stuff I don't understand: Fred and George talking about how hard fifth year is, but 'Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow.' Please, someone. Please. I need to not be thinking about F&G's peckers.

I KNOW, sophisticated sloth. I know.

Hermione and Ron are gently bickering and Harry is like, 'Oh, shut up, the pair of you.' THIS IS WHY EVERYONE HATES YOU FOR A SECTION OF EACH BOOK, Harry. I mean, I know. He's young, and he's been through terrible things, and I'm not discounting that. He just seems to stab the hand that feeds him all the time. You need your friends, Harry.


Hey, speaking of terrible things! Dolorous Umbrage, am I right? So terrible.

And then Harry reams her out and gets sent to MacGonagall and tries to pretend that he understands politics and MacG is like, 'Well, I'm glad you listen to Hermione Granger at any rate.'

One more time...

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Harry Potter readalong 5:2

March 29, 2013, 4:00 am
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I forgot to mention this earlier, but remember when Cedric died and you thought FOR SURE he was going to come back all

because you weren't yet aware of J-Ro's murdery tendencies? And then you realized he was dead FO REAL? And then she started being all, Oh yes, in my next book I kill off a main(ish) character, and now you look back at poor young naive you, who had NO IDEA of the rampant character deaths to come?

Innocent times, those. Moving on to cheerier things! Like Fred and George being adorable, smirking assholes and Hermione being all, I will write to your mother, and them being genuinely aghast.

I don't want to keep harping on what a dick Harry is in this book, because I think we all pretty much covered it last week, but Parvati and Lavender are all, Ooooh about the bowtruckles, 'thoroughly irritating Harry,' who takes their totally normal and non-aggressive interest in this nifty creature as a direct slight against Hagrid, I MEAN SERIOUSLY HARRY. You are absolutely on your rag right now.

Umbridge. SO GREAT. I mean, so horrible, but as a villain? SO great. And, ok, when Harry masters his rising rage and just sits tf down and she's like, 'we're getting better at controlling our temper already, aren't we?' I mean, she's not wrong. (Aside: she couldn't have done his arm? I mean, how is no one else noticing Harry's bleeding/scarred/bandaged hand? HANDS ARE OUT THERE WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE THEM. I'm asking.) Ok and I KNOW, her methods are abusive and unconscionable but Harry seriously has a temper problem. I'm trying to root for you, Harry, but every time you open your yap at this woman it's like you are STICKING YOUR HAND IN THE BLAST-END OF A SKREWT on PURPOSE and then being like, Poor me, I'm missing quidditch.

SPEAKING OF QUIDDITCH. Ron and his nerves and his tryouts and


That's all.

Let's get down to some brass tacks here for a second. I'm extremely pro-Snape, as you know.

Your left, obviously. Not his.

And I've been pretty Ehhhhhh Sirius whatever, and I get that people have FEELS about him but I am only just starting to develop some and they are, so far, unimpressed.

Like, Grumpy Cat x McKayla levels of unimpressed.

And lots of you will defend him and be all, He's been in Azkaban and can't be held responsible for when he is A TERRIBLE GOD-PARENT WHO GOADS HARRY INTO DOING DANGEROUS THINGS JUST FOR SHITS. 'You're less like your father than I thought...The risk would've been what made it fun for James.' NOT OK, SIRIUS. You do not use a CHILD'S affection for you and his feelings for his dead father to coerce him into doing something dangerous because you are bored. That is ABUSE.

My tits will not be calmed, Moriarty. My tits are feeling righteously indignant.

(Another aside: when Harry's all worried that 'Sirius might throw caution to the winds and turn up anyway' even though it's super dangerous and I'm like, NOW YOU KNOW HOW EVERYONE FEELS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME, HARRY.)

Harry, seriously always.

Ok but you know what's excellently done in this book? The whole State-of-Emergency Hogwarts High Inquisitor and Educational Decrees and the slow stripping of power, I mean, it's chilling.

You know what's HILARIOUS in this book? How Lee Jordan is only ever referred to as 'Lee Jordan.' Someone else commented on the whole first-name-last-name thing a while back, but he's referred to as 'Lee Jordan' TWICE with only 24 words between instances! I can remember a person for more than 24 words, JKR.

Hey, while I'm still angry about that Sirius thing, let's go back to Harry and Umbridge for a sec. When McGonagall is like, Cold, imperious retort (and I am like *applause*) and Harry is like, 'How she can lecture me about not losing my temper with Umbidge,' I am like, Do you seriously not see a difference in both McGonagall's status (teacher vs. teacher) and her method (icily polite and straightforward)? There's using someone's own rudeness to make them look like an idiot, and then there's being all, Uh, duh, it was Voldemort! Horses of different colors, Harry.

Oh wait, but here's a note I made when Harry was going OFF at R&H for something completely innocuous and he's all, 'you two sit there acting like I'm a clever little boy to be standing here, alive, like Diggory was stupid, like he messed up,' and I'm like, Harry has PTSD, right? Because thinking that he does makes me less smashy towards him. Poor Harry. You've had a rum go.


Hey, you know who J-Ro hates? Hufflepuffs. I haven't been officially sorted yet but I feel Hufflepuffish, so I get a little frowny when the Early Dumble-Army is amassing in the pub and she's all Here are some recognizable faces like Neville and Luna and then here's a random Hufflepuff 'whose name Harry did not know' and then here are three Ravenclaws whose FIRST AND LAST NAMES he knows and then here's another rando 'whom Harry recognized vaguely as being a member of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team' and then here, for good measure, are some Weasleys. Hufflepuff: They're Not Slytherin And That's Pretty Much All They've Got Going For Them, Apparently.

This section made me stabby. Let's tally: Harry, Dumble, and Sirius all being total d-holes, Hufflepuffs being given the lazy-eye, not NEARLY enough feasting. Let's cheer ourselves up with Neville and Draco being adorably adorable together.


B'awwwww.
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Harry Potter readalong 5:3

April 5, 2013, 4:00 am
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Ain't nothing better than a Thursday night. HP post to write, which means I can move on and read the next section, AND THEN TOMORROW I get to read all your posts! *claps* Let's get up on this.


Hey, remember early on when we were all mysteriously sympathetic towards Draco and there was this whole movement to understand him better vis-a-vis his upbringing etc? And then we all forgot about it because there were dragons and shit and Harry was being such a tool (Harry is such, SUCH a tool in this section I can't believe I'm waiting two whole paragraphs to talk about how much he sucks)? Ok so when Hagrid is like, I have neat creatures for you and they totally didn't just maul my face, and Draco is like, Ok so what did happen to your face? and Hagrid is like, Stop asking stupid questions. The D-man is being, if a bit smarmy, COMPLETELY reasonable given Hagrid's track record and the state of his face. I'm just saying.

Harry and Cho. HARRY AND CHO. I sense that we are all going to comment on this. So Cho is crying after DA practice and Harry's like...'What's up?' and you are like, Awww, teenage boys, you are so terrible at feelings and shit. That's adorable. And then she unburdens her soul to him (stop hating on Cho, everyone. She's had a rough go) and HARRY, of all people, knows what it's like not to have anyone to talk to who understands, but he's all, Ugh, I would 'have been so pleased with just a "Merry Christmas."' Stupid Cho and her emotions.

Cho:


Harry:


And then when Hermione is like, Of course Harry likes Cho! He's like, Urrrrrm, that's before I knew she had all these feelings. I just wanted her to laugh at my jokes and admire the length of my wand, really. And then murrrrch later when Cho is apologizing for Marietta ratting them all out, Harry's like, 'Yeah, well' and he says it 'moodily.' MOODILY. I mean, she feels BADLY ALREADY. All this to say, good thing Ginny Weasley is made if iron and badassery.

Ginny Weasley: surprisingly good at Quidditch. 'Quite unabashed' when Harry is like, SULKY GLARE AND SULKS. Says things like, 'Well, that was a bit stupid of you...seeing as you don't know anyone but me who's been possessed by You-Know-Who, and I can tell you how it feels.' STRAIGHT-TALKING LADY WIZARD, I'm a little bit in love with you.

Side-bit: The wizard on the wall at the hospital who invented the 'entrail-expelling curse' - ok, I forget and am too lazy to look it up but didn't the Avada Kadavra curse send you straight to Azkaban (presumably for killing you dead), and weren't there only two other curses that ALSO sent you to A-ban? And this wasn't one of them, I'M PRETTY SURE, but 'entrail-expelling' sounds like another, more specific way of killing you dead, so shouldn't it be like, the Cruciatus, the Compelling One Whatever That Is Called, and then Any Curse That Kills You Dead, Dramatically With Entrails Or Otherwise? I'm asking.

One more bit about Harry and what an absolute horse's ass he is: at Christmas when he's sulking and everyone's giving him a bit of personal space, LIKE YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE IS SULKING, and he's 'feeling a savage pleasure that he was giving the others the opportunity to keep talking about him, as they were bound to be doing.' That is unfair, Harry. Seriously, you are so shitty to your friends and the people who love you, I could punch you in the face right now.

Sulking: endemic in Harrys.

Speaking of sulky babyfaces, as Christmas draws to a close and Sirius descends into 'what Mrs Weasley called "fits of the sullens,' I mean, on the one hand, totally understandable. On the other hand, YOU ARE A GROWN-UP. Fucking grow up and stop ruining everyone else's good time.

Ooooh, hey, while everyone who loves Sirius has their back up at me right now, how about the scene where Sirius and Snape square off, wands out, TENSION CRACKLING IN THE AIR WHY IS THERE NO GIF OF THIS? Internet, you have LET me down. Anyway, I laughed out loud in this scene because I pictured readalongers marshaling up behind them, Kayleigh against Kayleigh, Jenny against Jennifer.

We'd duke it out and then share a coke.

Phew, that was fun. Oh hey look, Rita Skeeter! She isn't still a beetle after all. And Hermione's like, Interview Harry! And Rita and Harry are like, *stares* and Luna sings '"Weasley is our King"dreamily under her breath and stir[s] her drink with a cocktail onion on a stick.' Never change, Luna, I love you so much.

You know who else I love? CENTAURS. They're like Lockhart, but with horse's asses. Instead of just BEING a horse's ass! Oh man, that joke just wrote itself. But for real, though, they are pompous and deliberately cryptic and idiotic and I love them. I'm so glad one of them is teaching Divination.

Dumbledore's Army is caught(ish), that scene where we were all like, What are you guys doing talking about this so loudly in a pub, that scene comes back to haunt, D-dore is like, Oh, quite, but meeting like so became illegal two days AFTER they did so, and they have not done so since.

Come at me, Dolores.

Also this: 'It's just that you seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to - what is the phrase? - come quietly.'

It is impossible to dumble quietly.

So Dbles is gone and there are fireworks and 'one of the larger Catherine wheels seemed to decide that what it needed was more room to manouevre; it whirled towards Umbridge and Filch with a sinister "wheeeeeeeeeeee".' I love me some anthropomorphic pyrotechnics, and once AGAIN, details like this are why we keep reading even when Harry is being the most absolute ass and I don't even really remember what the plot was up to at this point.

I can't even touch the scene where Harry visits Snape's memories. You are all going to address that in detail, so suffice it to give kudos to JK for making this actually really hard for Harry, that his father was a reprehensible ass hat. Does he do anything to redeem himself later, or is it just Sirius and Lupin being all, Oh, well, teenagers, you know? Because that does not fly with me.

Let's leave on that scene where Fred and George accio their brooms and swoop off into the sunset, shall we? That is the best scene.


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This is not a Harry Potter post (I know!)

April 9, 2013, 7:42 pm
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Amigolettes, three things:

Food Riot launches today. It is FUN and INSTRUCTIVE and there are SWEARS and PICTURES OF FOOD. It's mad great.


I have turned off anonymous comments on all my blogs, and every morning I wake up excited about the amount of spam emails I'm not going to get. You guys, I was getting emails in the TENS and TWELVES every day. My life has improved significantly. If you used to comment anonymously and weren't a pr0n robot, then I miss you. Get a google account (seriously, it is 2013).

I've been writing the wrong year on my cheques for MONTHS.

Speaking of google! What are we all switching to when Google Reader kicks it? Also, how mad are we? Has the rage worn off? How hard is it to maintain a product that everyone loves exactly as it is? Fr rl, google, you had to do EXACTLY NOTHING and we would have all continued to patronage your reader. I am, apparently, still mad.
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Cracklescape - Margo Lanagan

April 10, 2013, 5:00 am
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LOUD AND DISCLAIMY: Margo and I are Friends On the Internet and this book showed up at my house FOR FREE and is it ever a pretty fish.


So this review is cut on the bias, if you catch my drift. #sewingpuns

I tend to avoid short story collections because I want. I want trilogies and 12-book serieses that become 14-book serieses when the original author dies and I want spin-off novels. I want LENGTH and GIRTH and LONG DRAGGY BITS IN THE MIDDLE THAT JUST TAKE UP SPACE.

Ok, not that last thing. But short stories are such teases, especially when they're this good. I mean, I get super into them and then all of a sudden they end and but what is she DOING in that dresser? Inquiring minds want to know.

But what they lack in length THESE stories make up for in DEPTH. It's just all significant detail here and evocative image there. If I were into Dr Who I would make a TARDIS joke about them being bigger on the inside than the outside, but that is LITERALLY the only thing I know about Dr Who and I'm afraid to embarrass myself online.

Hey guys! I know things about popular culture! Guys?

And you have to pay attention because you're thrown right into the middle of things, and no one is going to be lovingly described in detail to you, from their dimples to their shoes to their relationship with the narrator. Francine Pascal this is not. And that's what sort of blows your mind, that she hasn't really TOLD you, but somehow you've figured it out, and it's only been, like, three pages.

It's Margo Lanagan, so it's always a little weird. A little bit of teenage regrets plus a little bit this guy might be an alien. Children lured from their homes by some Pied Piper-ish light-people. That sort of thing. But not magical realism, that stuff is bullshit. This is FANTASY with RULES and things. Magical realism, I hate you so much.

But I BATHE in the Cracklescape weirdness.

Cracklescape's only flaw is, I mean really, 104 pages? That is a MORSEL of cheese, and I am a hungry mouse.

Eight and a half caterpillars.
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Harry Potter readalong 5.4

April 12, 2013, 4:00 am
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I don't even LIKE Sirius, you guys, and yet, this:

'It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall.'

I mean, omg.

But let's dial it back a sec. A couple of people last week were like, Ginny would be awesome if only she was developed as a character. To which *I* reply that she is, but a story can only handle so many main characters (GeorgeRRRMartin, take note) so she's done all up between the lines. Por ejemplo, and ONLY FROM THIS SECTION OF THE READING:

'"Never you mind," said Harry, roughly.
Ginny raised her eyebrows.
"There's no need to take that tone with me," she said, coolly, "I was only wondering whether I could help."'

Ginny takes no shit from anyone.

When Harry needs to talk to Sirius and they have to distract Umbridge:

'Though clearly struggling to understand what was going on [because she just got there, not because she's dim], Ginny said immediately, "Yeah, we'll do it."'

Ginny's got your back.

'"Luna and I can stand at either end of the corridor," said Ginny promptly, "and warn people not to go down there because someone's let off a load of Garrotting Gas." Hermione looked surprised at the readiness with which Ginny had come up with this lie.'

Ginny is a clever girl.

Ginny et al are being held by Umbridge's SmArmy and ESCAPE with a 'Couple of Stunners, a Disarming Charm, Neville brought off a really nice little Impediment Jinx...But Ginny was best, she got Malfoy - Bat-Bogey Hex - it was superb.'

Ginny has skillz and she will fight you.

There aren't enough Thestrals to go on, but Ginny is like, More will come, and Ron is like, '"What makes you think that?"

"Because, in case you hadn't noticed, you and Hermione are both covered in blood," she said cooly, "and we know Hagrid lures Thestrals with raw meat."'
Ginny will deduce circles around your ass.

So, aside from the fact that she delivers a lot of her lines 'coolly,' Ginny is a pretty well-rounded, multi-faceted character. Q.E.D.

Oh man, after all that I don't even WANT to talk about how Harry doesn't want to bring his pals with him into the Ministry and is that to keep them safe? Because that is pompous and arrogant and I am like, *aggrieved sigh* because he's going to have to learn this lesson like six more times and he has ALREADY LEARNED IT. This isn't all about you, Harry. Let other people do stuff.

Or how a lot of the spells in that final battle - Silencio! - seem needlessly specific, because I would just be Stupify!ing people left and right. Saves brain power and sort of covers all your bases, no?

Or how Dbles is all, Letters addressed to the Headmaster will find me.

BOOM.

Or how Phineas is always cooking what I'm eating w/r/t Harry and his wallowing self-pity. Or how Harry is like, MYEHHHHHN, you locked me UP all SUMMER and D-dore is like


and Harry is like...so...you tired? Or what is this thing you're doing with your palms and face.

Let's end on this, from Fudge's statement:

'We believe the Dementors are currently taking direction from Lord -- Thingy.'

Way to bring us back after a devastating blow, JK.

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Invisible - Paul Auster

April 15, 2013, 8:00 am
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Let's take a moment (ok, a long moment. Look how long this post got!) to talk about how terrible this book is. It's been sitting on my shelf for WEEKS and I keep renewing it because it's looking at me all, You must warn them. It's so, so awful.

Let's get down to bones. Adam Walker is a student and also a poet and he is extremely the shit. Like, so much. You need to know how much the shit he is, and in case you don't he meets a man named Bertram and Bertram's girlfriend Margot at a party, and later Bertram is like, Margot thinks you are too good for this world and that the world will crush you. And I am like, AH HA, I see you there, Paul Auster. YOU are Adam Walker and this book is going to be how pensive and misunderstood you are. Invisible my ass.

So Adam meets Bertram and Margot, and Bertram decides to start a magazine and let Adam run it even though Adam is, like, twenty-two, and Bertram knows nothing about magazines, but Adam is one of those people that everyone wants to help out and shower praise upon and give their glorious slender bodies to (that last one is Margot, not Bertram [although later there is some confusion about whether Bertram also wanted to fuck Adam, because who wouldn't? NOBODY, that's who]).

And then one day they're having a business walk and a kid (a black one, obvie) tries to rob them, but Bertram STABS him. Like, just stabs the shit out of him. And then later sends Adam a note being like, Tell no one, or you also get The Stabs. But because Adam is the noblest, he tells the cops. But Bertram has skipped town and gone to Paris! Annnnnnd scene!

Section break, and here's where the book tries to crack out of a mold. Because all of what we've read until now is just a manuscript sent to one of Adam's old school chums, along with a note from Adam all, Hey, long time no see, but do you want to help me get this published? So now we have a chapter from Old School Chum talking about how uhhhmezzzing Adam is, and then he and Adam chat a bit about how hard writing is and how sometimes, when you are stuck (as Adam is), it helps to shift perspective. And I am like, Yairs, yairs, I have heard this also, but then in the next chapter Adam continues his story IN SECOND PERSON.


No. Second person is never the answer. Nothing good has ever been written in second person. Second person is for twenty-year-olds in creative writing classes who like beat poetry and have finger-mustache tattoos. So now YOU are Adam Walker and I am rolling my eyes so hard.

So you (Adam Walker) saw your friend Bertram stab a boy, and sort of unrelatedly you now live temporarily with your sister Gwyn, and you are SUCH besties, and there is a full page and a half about the things you and Gwyn do and do not agree upon, except it's really just Auster showing off how high his brow is. WhitmanTolstoyMiddlemarchKafkaBeckettjazztheJohnsonadministrationetc. Look at all the stuff you have opinions on. And then you two become the Lannisters and I am like, I totally saw this coming.

I've read a lot of VC Andrews.

And then you go to Paris. Fin.

And then Old School Chum goes to visit Adam only Adam is dead (did I forget to mention that he had cancer?

) and OSC chats with Adam's step-daughter about Aunt Cersei Gwyn and then she gives him a package that Dead Adam left for him. Surprise, it is Part III of Adam's book, and it is in third person (which I'm fine with) present tense (which I mostly don't like but ok) and then '[t]elegraphic. No complete sentences. From beginning to end, written like this. Goes to the store. Falls asleep.' And I am like, Nope. If you make me read the last section like this, I am CHECKING OUT. But Old School Chum renders it into readable prose, thank god.

So Adam Walker goes to Paris for reasons I forget but also to go to school, and rather than live in dorms like a regular person he gets himself this run-down, charmingly dilapidated, winsomely poetic room. Because he's a poet, you may recall. Poets do not live in dorms and play cribbage with their roommates at 3 am. They STARVE and DRINK BAD WINE and they WRITE. They fall upon the thorns of life! They bleed!


Amidst starving and writing and bleeding, Adam phones Margot (Bertram's old gf, with whom Adam had some torrid sexy times) and insists on talking to her in French because he 'knows she can express herself more comfortably in her own language. Now that he is in Paris, he aims to give Margot's Frenchness back to her.' IS THIS NOT MOST NOBLE? Fuck you, Adam. First of all, her Frenchness is not yours to give, and secondly, she lives in Paris now, so speaking French is probably not the treat you think it is.

Anywert, they resume sexy times and chat about Bertram and whether or not he was attracted to Adam, because that's what *I* like to talk about with my lovers. And she's all (this is where I start laughing and laughing), 'He said you looked like a tormented Adonis, Lord Byron on the verge of a nervous breakdown [so, just regular Lord Byron, then]...You're a special case, Adam, and what makes you special is that you have no idea of the effect you have on other people.' That is my LEAST favorite trope, I tell you right now.

And then Margot is like, He tossed me out and took up with some boring nice person named Hélène. And then the book goes to some length to prove that Hélène is dumpy and that she and Bertram have no real spark but THEN Adam is like, I will pull off this devious plan of REVENGE for that POOR STABBED BOY and 'it will deprive Hélène Juin's future husband of the one object he covets most in the world.' And despite myself I'm kind of like, Oooooh, what could it be!

It's Hélène, obviously. Even though Bertram isn't that into her. And Adam accidentally makes Hélène's daughter fall in love with him in the process (the process being: Befriend Hélène, tell her about Bertram's stabby times. I mean, what a PLOT!) because he is The Most Lovable, so in a fit of philanthropy he avoids her (!!) and settles down to Serious Poetry Writing. And here's a thing, authors: don't have your budding poet write some poems and be like, Mmmm, yes, quite good, those, and then PUT the poems in the book! Don't do it. Because I'm going to be like, Har! That poem is terrible. 


Ennnnnyway, he's being all monastic but then Hélène's daughter shows up and unburdens her soul to him and '[s]he is still talking, but he is no longer listening to her' because he's wondering if now is a good time to spring Bertram's stabby tendencies on her. Adam Walker, you are a terrible person. Adam finally tells Hélène about Bertram and she's like, What? Come on. So that doesn't go as planned.

SECTION BREAK. Now its 40 years later and the Old School Chum goes around interviewing Hélène's daughter and Gwyn and whoever else, and they're all like, My story is different than Dead Adams, and it's supposed to be about unreliability or something. 

This is one of those Deep and Meaningful books that I suspect I am (at 30) much too old for, and nowhere near enough in love with the uniquely principled young poet archetype. 19-year-old me might have been all over him, but 19-year-old me (it is universally acknowledged) had terrible, terrible taste in men.

Spare yourselves, you guys. Three caterpillars.
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It's Wednesday night, let's say some words!

April 17, 2013, 8:00 pm
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Friends and Romans! I have some THINGS for you to look at with your EYES.

My first post is up at the Official Food Riot: Fully Launched. Go there and talk to me about how you choose your snacks.
Snacks, you say?

Also, you all know that my sister (of the art) does arts. But my MOTHER also does art, in fabric form. Her etsy shop is now open, and she's selling dragonwing bibs, modeled here by my own ferocious baby dragon.



She also sells angelwing bibs, if your baby dragon happens to be an angel. After a few months of test-running it, I can personally vouch that it is adorable and comfortable and that all these stains came out of it.


Babies are a sloppy people.
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Harry Potter readalong 6.1

April 19, 2013, 4:00 am
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Oh man, JK writes the Snapey bits SO well. Remember when we DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS EVIL OR NON-EVIL? It's bits like this:

'"I have played my part well,' said Snape. 'And you overlook Dumbledore's greatest weakness: he has to believe the best of people."'

I mean, we KNOW that's true, but is Snaples ACTually playing D-dore like Harry kind of thinks he is sometimes? WE'LL NEVER KNOW (until later, obvs).

(But when he spoke the Unbreakable Vow with Narcissa, you were pretty sure you knew, right? And THIS time, knowing what you know, you are like


RIGHT?)

Oooh, you know what I'm super excited about in this book? Finding out the mystery of the half-blood prince, because I was watching the film with my parents and at the end they were like, WHO WAS THE HBP? And I'm like, *shrugs* because I read the books so long ago. But the movie totally ignores it, is what I'm saying. Like, it may as well just be called The Sixth HP Movie: Let's Kill Some More Guys.

Speaking of! When D-bles shows up the Dursleys and is all, 'Let us assume that you have invited me warmly into your house.' He's just, I mean. That is the perfect example of making someone look like a TOTAL ASSHOLE with your politeness.

Thank you, Vernon, that is all.

Also: 'These words seemed to rouse Uncle Vernon. It was clear that as far as he was concerned, any man who could look at Harry and say "excellent" was a man with whom he could never see eye to eye.' I know the Dursley bits are the most child-abusey but they are also the MOST AMUSING sometimes. Like, most of the time.

Moving on to the JK: Bad at Logistics segment of the post, when Slughorn is bragging up all his free treats and Harry is like, 'And all these people know where to find you, to send you stuff?' and Slughorn is like, Nope. Can't owls just find people? Did we ever figure that out, back when we were talking about how the Ministry should just write a letter to Sirius and then FOLLOW THAT OWL? Because this would seem to jive with owls needing specific directions, but EVERY OTHER SCENE WITH OWLS seems to suggest that you just say 'Mum and Dad' and the owl is off.

We are all dying about 'Mollywobbles,' right?

I am this sloth right now.

Man, the first sections of these books are either dull as mud or they are FULL of FUN QUIRKY BITS and NOBODY DIES. They can be a total party when they want to, is what. Fred and George's shop? You know JK was getting drunk with her friends and thinking up things like the Decoy Detonators. 'More delightful inventions, friends! And more gin!'

Can we all give Harry a golf clap for including R&H on his stealth-sneak after Malfoy? BRING YOUR FRIENDS WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO DO DANGEROUS THINGS. The hamster has learned a valuable lesson (for now).

Hermione really is the worst liar. Rayna made a good point last week when I was all, GINNY IS A WELL GOOD HUMAN CHARACTER. Ginny is straight-up flawless, was her point. You can tell EXACTLY when J-Ro figures out she should be Harry's Forever Friend because she starts doing amazing badass stuff and never makes an ass of herself. GOOD POINT, because even Hermione, Mighty Brain and Social Conscience, has flaws (as evidenced here. Terrible liar).

That looks like it for this week! Early sections: long on fun, short on stuff to complain lovingly about.


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Harry Potter readalong 6.2

April 26, 2013, 4:00 am
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Oh shit, it is Thursday night. TIME TO HASTILY COBBLE TOGETHER SOME GIFS because Joel and I have started watching Justified and it is excellent so I need to go do some more of that in a few minutes.
Shut up, Reylan. These people care what I'm watching.

MEANWHILES. 'You know, I don't believe any house has ever been in negative figures this early in the term - we haven't even started pudding.' I  mean, HA! Snape, you old so-and-so. There's a sense of humor under all that lank.



Also this:
Snape: Yada yada I sort of forget what he says here
Harry: Yes.
Snape: Yes sir.
Harry: There's no need to call me 'sir,' Professor.

See, here's the thing, Harry. When Snape says you are an arrogant SOB with a smart mouth (I'm paraphrasing), he's not WRONG. Also, well done on that sweet burn. Is there a 'sincerity' font? I need that WAY more than a sarcasti-font.

The great big sappy girl in me who loved the Shopaholics books LOVES Ron and Hermione right now. Specifically Ron, I guess, since Hermione is just carrying on. But Ron's all, *I* would have said you were the best in the year! *I'm* tall! Oh no wait, Hermy Confounded whassizguy so he wouldn't make the save. HAHA, these two.

You are BOTH blushing.

HUMPHREY BELCHER THE TIME IS INDEED RIPE FOR A CHEESE CAULDRON. You were ahead of your time, sir. Also, call me re: cheese cauldrons. We'll have fondu like whoa.

Harry gets mad because Dumbledore is away for a sec. Away. How dare he have other responsibilities besides advising The Chosen One. And then later Harry is like, You STILL trust Snape? Like, how about now. Now? Do you still trust him now? Ok, hold on a sec...how about now? And D-bles is like, 'I have been tolerant enough to answer that question already.' HECK YES. Way to not put up with this shit.


Ron gets hilariously love-jinxed, Harry brings him to Slughorn to be fixed, Ron gets DRAMATICALLY POISONED. From fun times to HOLYSHIT in less than a page. Nice work, JK.

Still my favorite piece of internet.

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I made you some words.

April 29, 2013, 9:07 pm
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Peglegs! Happy Monday evening. (Whatever, you are reading this at work on Tuesday morning. I KNOW YOU.)

Two things: I wrote about making Eleanor my kitchen-slave, and it's the most passionate I've felt about a writing in ages. GETTING CHILDREN INVOLVED IN SHIT ESP. HEALTHY EATING PLUS LIFE SKILLS is kind of my jam.

I feel motivational-speakery about it.

I know lots of you'se've gots kids, so hop over there and give me advice on teaching her to not set the kitchen on fire.

Also, my sister (of the art) is selling a whack of paintings. You should buy a one and bedeck your house.

That is all! Monday on.


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Harry Potter readalong 6.3

May 2, 2013, 8:40 pm
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I mean, aren't we all? Why the HELL is there even more book after page 402?

Let's hop back to the beginning of the section when Ron is lying comatose holy SHIT what a downer this bit is. Good thing there're lines like:

'I can't see anyone trying to bump off a Quidditch team,' said George.
'Wood might've done the Slytherins if he could've got away with it,' said Fred fairly.

I don't know how to make those quotes not be in green text. Blogger, you make me look like a nine-year-old.

Ok, let's talk about ways JK made Dumbledore EVEN MORE AWESOME before biffing him off. That scene where Vmort comes back to find some Ravenclaw treasures looking for a job and D-dores is the straight-shootingest. I mean, he is an absolute wizard in this scene. '...let us speak openly. Why have you come here tonight, surrounded by henchmen, to request a job we both know you do not want?' INDEED, Riddlemort.

Also, man, good thing supervillains are such completists. VoldeTom should have thrown everyone for a loop and put a bit of his soul into, like, an Altoids tin. He'd be super fucking immortal.

Harry and Ginny. FINALLY.


I mean, right? But at least it gave us that line about Ron and Lavender 'thrashing around like a pair of eels all over the place,' which is both disgusting and apt. I remember you, high school hallway make-outs.

Oh shit, that scene in the middle of the lake. I can't believe Harry went through with it. This makes me like him more than almost anything he's done so far, especially given how much he hates putting those he loves in danger. One of my daycare kids got stung by a bee once and I had to call another staff member to pull the stinger out because I COULDN'T DO IT because she was like, Please don't? And that was for her own good and this, THIS was HORRIBLE.

I don't even...can we not talk about the scene in the Tower?

'No, Draco,' said Dumbledore quietly. 'It is my mercy, and not yours, that matters now.'  

Seriously, I'm dying. And what SLEW me was the double-edgedness of it all. Because I remember how I read Dumbledore pleading, and I remember how I read Snape's revulsion, and I had it all BACKWARDS and it is SPLENDIDLY DONE but also it's horrid. I just, I mean...


Oh good, here's Fleur. 'I am good-looking for both of us, I theenk!' Very well, Fleur, you have won me over. I hope you and Bill have adorable quarter-werewolf babies (because Bill is really only, like, half-werewolf).

Pour one out, you guys.


One last dumble for the road.
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The saddest face.

May 7, 2013, 11:33 am
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[edit: I am forever posting shit to the wrong blog. The perils of phone-blogging. Enjoy this slice of my life.]

The last three times we came to
BC, at least one person has been sick unto vomiting. No one has thrown up on THIS visit (yet! Oh how I knock on the wood) but that doesn't mean we aren't sick as dogs. 

There has been a lot of this:


And this: 


And a little bit of this:


But mostly this:

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Harry Potter readalong: Beedle Break

May 9, 2013, 9:10 pm
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After last week's emotional wringer


it was nice to spend some time with a non-dead Dumbledore. I'd never read BtB and I flat-out loved the format. Literary criticism on fairy tales and shit is my jam (Bruno Bettelheim, I love your long-winded face), and faux-litcrit by one of the world's most brilliant wizards, well-versed in wand lore (like Dumbleself), is just...it's the best. The echoes of Real World Literary History were fantastic, like Thomas Bowdler Beatrix Bloxam, who Bloxamized all the nasty bits out of tales.

(Speaking of HP criticism, I started reading a book on HP and philosophy and it is just straight-up the worst. I thought it would be more litcrit but it's just all 'existence of the soul blah blah' and 'all possible futures versus a fixed future' and I feel like I'm back in college but not in the fun way. Philosophy, I'd forgotten how doggedly boring you are.)

'The Warlock's Hairy Heart' is hands-down the best tale in the collection, are we agreed?


I mean, 'The maiden lay dead upon the floor, her breast cut open, and beside her crouched the mad warlock, holding in one bloody hand a great, smooth, shining scarlet heart, which he licked and stroked, vowing to exchange it for his own.' That's some Poe-tastic shit right there.

Does The Tale of the Three Brothers make it into the 7th book? I forget. I remember it being EXCEEDINGLY WELL DONE in the movie.


I mean, right? How else are you going to work in that backstory without people being like, I'm boooooored, let's get back to Neville and Luna.

My only criticism is that, ok, so it's supposed to be D-bles writing for a wizarding audience, which is why Hermione (but sometimes JK [BUT WHY NOT JUST ONE OF THEM, HONESTLY]) footnotes it, but when he's talking about Animagi he gets a little infodumpy and written-for-muggles-y. Because if I was talking to you, fellow muggles, I wouldn't be like, 'There are fewer lawyers than, say, retail clerks, because becoming a lawyer is super hard and expensive.' So when he's like, 'Animagi make up a small fraction of the wizarding population. Achieving perfect, spontaneous human to animal transformation requires much study and practice' etc I am like, This rings false within the construct of this book.

The rest of it is srsly great, though! Babbity Rabbity indeed. On to The Deathly Hallows, where many of my favorite characters die!



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Harry Potter Readalong 7:1

May 16, 2013, 7:23 pm
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This is where people (and noble owls) start dying in earnest. I mean, FINALLY, right?


We're all still pretty busted up about Dbles. Oooh, and how MORE busted up did his biography make you? So much, I bet. Also, 'a brother with a fondness for fiddling about with goats' - they're getting less and less euphemistic about that.

Also, sending out seven Harrys because '[e]ven You-Know-Who can't split himself into seven.'

NICELY PLACED, JK.

Also, I forget who dies when so I was really stressed out during the scene where they're all arriving at the Burrow.

Ok so Harry is going to hunt the Horcruxes without anyone knowing, and he doesn't want H&R to come with him, and I am OVER this. I think JK works this angle too hard, and that's why it's grating on so many of us. Like she thinks we're going to hate Harry because of all the excellent characters who die for his sake, so she overwhelms us with him not wanting them to help and it's exhausting.

That's me on the right, all, Fine, I'll just lie here and take Harry's attitude, whatever.

Although I just remembered someone's very good point about Hermione's very good point about Harry's savior complex. Which makes it easier to understand, if not to read about ad nauseum. SPEAKING OF HERMIONE, she basically makes her parents into different people so that they'll be safe and she can go with Harry. Holy ess, child. That is commitment to the cause.

OK NO BUT SON OF A BITCH, here it is again. Harry's birthday falls on the day before Bill and Fleur's wedding (which isn't even conceivably his fault, since you schedule a wedding, but your birthday, you know...) and he's totally like, A regular dinner is fine, and then feels 'a great wave of remorse' for stressing Mrs Weasley out. No, wait, 'for the inconvenience and pain he was causing her.' THAT IS LAYING IT ON A BIT THICK. I mean, sucks to be the one houseguest everybody has to take mad security precautions for, but also you are on a MISSION to SAVE THE WIZARDING RACE so I think you can cut yourself some slack.

Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches isn't 'all about wandwork.' MMMMMMLOL.

Dumbledore leaves Ron the 'Deluminator' in his will, which shows that JK has finally gotten the hang of naming her magic thingies, although I distinctly remember LIKING that it was called the 'Put-Outer' in Book One.

I like things that do what they say on the tin.

Oooh, and then Harry rips a strip off of Scrimgeour, and it may be the first time I agree with his smart mouth.


Oh, and you know when his scar goes off and Hermione is like, OMG STOP SHARING BRAINS WITH VMORT, I like this bit so much. Because she's so smart and cool and empathetic and wise and then just SUCKS at things sometimes. Like, seriously, Herms, that is not helping. But I love you and your flaws.

When Harry finds out about D-dore and Godric's Hollow and is like, Why didn't he tell me this stuff and am I just a tool to him, USUALLY I have no patience with Harry's bitching but given the events of  Book Five, in which Dumbledore Kept All Kinds Of Shit From Him, I feel like he has a right to moan about some stuff.

Ugh, ok, Lily's letter. RIGHT? 'She had made her g's the same way he did: he searched through the letter for every one of them, and each felt like a friendly little wave glimpsed from behind a veil.'


OH, and Kreacher's story about retrieving the locket?


And we have so many more gloriously sad bits to go before that stupid, stupid epilogue.
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